Thanks Dawn for turning me to doing this. I do not know how long it will last but maybe it will help me when I am having a bad day!!
My husband and I have been together for 5 years this coming July and married for four years in September. Our infertility journey started June 26, 2008, I know I know I remember the exact date. We decided that day that we were going to take our relationship as a couple to a new stage, going off birth control and letting nature take it's course.
Four years into that journey we have been through doctor visits, medications, blood tests, more medications, dissappointment, and many tears in the end we have come out with a broken heart, no hope, and no baby. Financially right now is not a good time, especially when there is no assistance for having a child only for getting rid of one.
We have had our ups and downs with this journey and a lot of good and hard times. I have met some other amazing women that understand my journey that I already knew before!! This helped me to feel as though I was not the only one out there. No one can ever understand the feelings you go through personally or as a couple but these woman can say more than others that have had the luxury of becoming a mother.
I have been through disappointment and also living with the reality, there comes a point when I am ok with it and then there are times when I am not ok with it. Right now I am on the struggling side of not being ok with it, I do not cry about it every day, week, or month but there are certain things that bother me now that I can't deal with like before.
I have lived with wanting to be a mother since, like my grandma says, I was knee high to a grasshopper. I imagined since I was little that I had lots and lots of children and I always longed for a little brother or sister. I finally was blessed with a little brother when I was 16 and he was 4, so that was one dream come true but I wish I would have been able to spend more time with him from the time that he was growing inside his mother until now. I still hate the fact that I don't spend as much time with him as I would like or should. As far as I know he still loves me the same!!
My husband and I have enjoyed not having children and there are still days when we do but those times that I wish I could be a mother still creep up from time to time. One of these times has been recently with seeing so many friends on Facebook announcing their pregnancies, the joys of finding out the sex of their unborn child, and talking about the firsts. It sucks and makes you feel so much smaller and inadequete than one should. Our current struggle now is financially trying to get ourselves back on track and then finding the money to take the next step with a place I found out about called PARINTS. This place has my hopes set that they can "fix" me and allow my husband and I to become parents. Right now I just do not feel that is feasible until we get our relationship, due to the stress of our lives, back on track also. I love my husband to death but when you are having struggles of any type sometimes a break from the things you want is best for a little while. We will get back to that point again, some day soon just takes time and change!!
I could go on forever but for now am going to leave you with this!!
Until the next time, enjoy!!
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