Babies, Babies, and more babies!!

I feel bad that it has been a month since my last post. I get irritated with having to wait for the verification text so I just haven't gotten on much. Not much in my neck of the woods, fighting with my emotions. Wanting a baby, not wanting a baby, other stresses that life swings our way, and more wondering.

Father's day came and went, not much emotion for me. I figured that my hubby wouldn't get upset since he is in the "it is ok" mode right now. I wanted to make sure that he didn't end up feeling the same way that I did on Mother's day even when we went to his parents, where his mom helped our nieces make t-shirts for his brother. Hate it, hate it, hate it!! I decided to make him a great, from the heart, gift instead of buying him something that I didn't have the money for. I took a large frame that I was trying to sell and found all the pics that I have of him and our "kids" and added them to the frame on some colored paper. I also added some scrapbooking daddy and puppy stickers and did each pup's footprint. Let me tell you that was a chore itself!! I was going to give it to him at his parent's house so they could be like, oh that is right they can't have babies. And they just MIGHT understand for once and think twice about things they do around us. Anyways I was getting ready to bring the gifts to the car and he asked about it. I kept terribly trying to lie about it because I didn't want to give away my secret. He told me that he liked our gifts to be about us and not anyone else so I gave it to him. I don't remember that he said much about it but I thint he really liked it.

That has pretty much been it for baby talk. My feelings come and go, sometimes I get upset and sometimes I don't. I have been stressed and had to change my depression/anxiety medicine but was having a discussion with my hubby this weekend about how hard our life is and how much it sucks. We talked about how it was so nice to not have kids and the things that sad infertiles do not talk about. I know that if/when it happens I will regret ever saying those things and that I will change my mind. I guess maybe it is my defense since I feel helpless in this situation and am trying to enjoy/make the best of it.

These last few weeks have sucked, I haven't been super upset (meaning crying) until today. A friend of mine lost her baby suddenly at 37 weeks. I have been thinking about her a lot and what she has had to go through these last few weeks. Imagining some of the steps that she has gone through and imagining what it would be like. It has hit me hard, in a way, I got a card for my dept at work to sign, because she worked there before me and got me hired. Another AMAZING friend of mine started a fundraiser to help pay for the funeral costs which has gone amazingly well. I donated $12 which isn't much but all I could afford and I know that every bit counts and will mean so much to them even if it is just a little. I even started collecting donations from our department as well, that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would but feel good to be doing what I can, especially to help ease some of their pain.

I also found out this week that one of my cousins had a baby. Not a complete shock but I forgot about it. Basically the quick rundown of it, she was hooked on heroin, overdosed, suddenly came up pregnant. Seemed to, I hope at least straightener her out while she was pregnant, I went to her baby shower, came to the hospital while she was in labor and afterwards to meet the baby, while her idiotic boyfriend was there. Who I ended up hating more and more and found out how much of a douchebag he was. He brought food in the room while my cousin was in labor which everyone bitched at him about. Found out after the baby was born he and her older brother brought beer in through soda fountain cups, then apparently spilled it and they were trying to clean it up while trying to keep it unnoticed since it smelled so bad. Ok, so she was stupid, whatever, she seemed to want to pawn the baby off on anyone that she could, including me. My hubby and I babysat her once and then I couldn't do it the next time. She tried though, suddenly when the baby was 2 or 3 she bailed moving to New York with some guy saying that she was going to rehab. She hasn't been back once, left her daughter with her dad and I don't know if she talks with her or not. My other little cousin said that the baby knows who she is but still the worst thing a parent could ever do. I talked with my Aunt and hubby about adopting her, sad for her situation and knew she needed someone babymaking age instead of her grandparents to raise her but let it go. So she has two babies by two different men and one of them she doesn't even have custody of or hasn't seen in at least 2 if not 3 years now. Her daughter is 5.

She apparently was getting beat then couldn't afford to move back down here so she stayed there. I read on her facebook about her being pregnant. She doesn't get on much and didn't announce it herself, I read it on a comment on her page. Thought terrific, leave one and have another....stupid. Well I found out she was actually pregnant and had another little girl. Makes me sooooo sad, I can't have kids but this druggy deadbeat of a mother, has another baby. She is states away from her family, wonder who she is going to try and pawn this kid off on, or leave the baby with. Makes me sick, pisses me off, and makes me sad.

Then today I get on facebook read about my friend's sister having a miscarriage which she has struggled with herself and has to struggle with infertilty as well. That made me cry a little bit but the kicker was finding out my other little cousin, on my mom's side, just found out she is pregnant. Guess what? ANOTHER bad idea, she had a baby at 16, seems to be doing somewhat of a decent job but some things she would post on facebook was not mother material in my mind and had me wondering. She then posted pics of herself after her boyfriend that she is madly in "love" with tried to strangle her. She talked about going to the cops and that the doctor said he wasn't far from killing her. She then posted that she was going to stay with him. Really?!?!?!?!? I grew up with abuse in my family, will NEVER let it happen to me, and I am pretty sure that she grew up that way as well and she is going to make this choice. I had a few choice words to say on her facebook although I know it isn't going to change how she thinks but wanted her to know, while her friends said they are behind her decision. More stupidness in my mind then announces she is pregnant with his baby. So this is baby number two with a different man also. I am beginning to see a pattern

I have a stable, happy home and relationship with my husband and we can't catch a break with having a baby but all these worthless woman can. How is that fair or how does it work that way? Just makes me want to cry a lot.

4 yrs TTC today!!

Wow, this isn't even what I wanted my post to be about today. I am having a rough time in my life right now but I got on here and was reminded that today has been 4 yrs. I think about how I don't feel infertile but then I think my husband and I have had unprotected sex for 4 whole years and we still only have furry 4 legged kids. I am going to the doctor on Thursday to see about getting my medicine adjusted. I have just been in this slump lately and I can't get out of it. I called in sick yesterday to have a day to myself to do absolutely nothing, but I feel every day that I just want to sit on the couch and enjoy life.

I talked with my husband last night about feeling like he doesn't want kids or he hates me. The hardest part about it is that financially we can't do it. We just have so much on our minds and plates it is just stressful for us. I have been watching Sister Wives and one of the wives is infertile. She said it best during her struggle with wanting another child that it would just be so much easier if it would just happen on it's own. Amen, sister!! Infertility causes so many stresses on so many levels, financially, in my opinion, being the second hardest part. It sucks because there is sometimes not much that can be done about either. How sad is it that I can't enjoy motherhood because of physical reasons and then to top that off financially it can't even be attained.

I think the biggest struggle is inside myself, I think getting my meds adjusted will help so much. My mind is just in a million places right now and I really hope that adjusting my meds will help me. Another sucky thing is that I have been struggling with my weight loss again. I was doing great, hit a few plateaus and sort of gave up, and then got a treadmill and fell in love with it and trying again.
Now all I have wanted to do lately is eat a horse, cry, and sleep. Sounds like pregnancy to me but I just got off my period and if I haven't struggled with infertility for 4 yrs I might think that is it. But nope the big "I" word takes the place of everything again. Then I wonder what good my metformin does when I read that some symptoms of PCOS are fatigue, weight gain, depression, and anxiety. Most of what I am feeling makes me wonder, could there be a different underlying issue or what is the problem? Hopefully the doctor can help me on more levels than just one!! Until next time!!

Another Day

Last post I talked about things that have been bothering me or on my mind!! This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me for some reason and I don't know why. I wonder if my medicine needs to be changed but am not sure. I read the AMAZINGLY good book, 50 shades of grey, I am telling you what if you need some help getting pregnant read this and your hormones will be raging. Us women know how hard it can be to get "going" or get started by our hubbys. This book did the trick for me, I bought it I think Tuesday and was done by Thursday evening but was a ball of sexual frustration and ready to go. If only I could get pregnant would this help. Although I think this hurt more than helped because it helped toy with my emotions which isn't uncommon for me. I tend to really get wrapped into books but I love to read them.

I have been sad because my husband was not embracing the wow my wife wants me and she wants me now scenario which hurt. I have been through this before with an ex and I guess I was relating it to that. We will be together for 5 years the end of July so this was bothering me that I couldn't get him going. I was afraid, which I know already, our sex life is boring and so I assumed this would help spice it up some.

Then I was thinking about how crabby he has been lately and also how unsupportive he has really been when I get upset about my infertility issues. I wish he would just comfort/hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be ok. Unfortunately, we are on different scales in this department at the moment. I think that he is enjoying being kid-free and able to do what he wants to when he wants and all of that good stuff. I was at that stage but have moved back again to the wanting a baby stage. I think that he can just easily push his emotions to the side when it comes to this because he knows that it just might not happen. He now doesn't understand why I am not still at this stage. I said because I am a woman I am meant to have babies. Then I thought I really am, I have breasts for feeding, my period to allow for a pregnancy, I hold a uterus to carry that baby, so yeah my main purpose in this world as a woman is to give birth. While the man only has one tiny part in the play.

My mom was also being crabby towards me and was pissing me off by talking bad about everything that I talked about to her. This was not making my day any better, then she went on, for the millionth time about going to her chiropractor to have acupuncture done to conceive. I really don't know if this would work, hell Clomid is made to make my body do what it wants and it doesn't why should acupuncture. My friend, D, made a great point when we went to this seminar the end of last year, that maybe one of my tubes is blocked. That is the next step that my doctor was waiting to do, and really does make sense. My body responded very well to the Clomid but I didn't get pregnant, they didn't do more research to make sure that I even had eggs coming out or anything like that but makes for a very good reason behind my infertility.

Back to my hubby and the clomid discussion. We finally talked Saturday afternoon and the first convo was about not wanting to have sex with me, because once again I was unsuccessfully getting him going. He then came out and told me how the Clomid trial traumatized him, all I could think is great. That is not our last option just yet and the next possible option might be more expensive and I am not taking that route for his reasoning. He said it was traumatic because so many times we had to do it, he says 3 weeks straight every day, which in turn I reminded him was really only 5 times in a month every other day. I guess he doesn't like being put under pressure to perform. I even told him that it wasn't at a specific time just certain days. It hurt to hear that come out of his mouth, which I told him great how are we supposed to get to that next point if you are going to be closed minded and cry about it. He said that he will tell the doctor that we are not taking that medicine route again. Which hurts me and I don't know what to say or do about that. Any advice?

I even told him how there wasn't much that I could do about that, I tried to not make it so we have to do this now, or try to surprise him and make it fun but he asked when that period of the medicine would start. I said that I could just not tell him that I was taking the pill because that still wouldn't  help because he would not willingly give it up when needed and that would just piss me off. All he could say was what do you want me to do, I also basically threw my hands up and said I give up because that step may not be over with just yet. I just don't understand him lately with this all. He used to be better and now, I just don't know.

It just makes me think....Really you think that is the worst part of it, try being me, I have to be pricked to get information about what my condition could be, I have to have a stupid painful period every month, on top of them seeming purposeless since I can't conceive, then I have to remember to take this pill on days 5-9, then get you ready for sex 5 days, then I have to go and get pricked and have blood taken so that we can see if the meds worked. All that is the easy part the hardest part is trying to be patient to see if it worked or not, to see if I am going to finally be a mother, have to hear about and think about all those amazing feelings that I am missing out on, feeling the baby kick, hiccups, seeing the baby on the ultrasound, talk about every other person and their pregnancy greats, hear others complain, have false symptoms of pregnancy just because I want this so bad. Be maybe a day or so late and get super excited, even take a pregnancy test while trying to fight myself mentally to ignore what I am feeling, then get the negative or my period and have the disappointment and have to go through that all over again. Then to top that off, I had to start taking Metformin which is the most awful medicine to start because it gives you the worst diarhea, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Really would you like to rethink your thoughts on how traumatizing it was to jack off in a cup then take it back out to the office, which no one knew exactly what it was in the bag, and to have sex with your wife 5 days out of the month. So sorry for you.......not!!

I think that I am done venting for the day, and maybe feel a little bit better for now!! Until next time!!

It has been awhile!!

I haven't wrote anything in awhile and thought it was about time. I was going to write last Sunday but, one because that is when I usually have time, two I was just too busy but today is the day!! This week has been rough in the world of infertility. I love my tattoo that I got, I love to be able to look at it every day and be reminded of the struggle that I deal with. I know that this tattoo will be my reminder of this struggle if I ever do get my dream of being a mother along with the aches and pains that I may have and a reminder when I am leaning over the pot doing the one thing that I absolutely despise more than anything in this world. I do not like it when pregnant people complain but know that someday that might be me but I want to remember what I went through to get to this point.

I have been upset since last Saturday while babysitting my nieces. I found that it won't be as bad as I thought it might be and how much I want this. I would enjoy taking my kids and spending the weekend with them. My sister in law told my husband that we spoiled them and did things that they never do. It saddens me but I already knew that they were the type that just has too much going on. I never hear about them taking the girls here there a every where like the zoo or park or any of that although I don't know what they do all the time either. It just saddens me, we got pizza for dinner, took them to the park fed the ducks/geese, let them play on the equipment and pushed them while they swang, and then had ice cream with them before bed. That is not really spoiling them too much if you ask me. That sounds like a good/fun weekend with my babies.

On another note a "friend" of mine, D, was presented with an amazing offer, to adopt a baby from a family that is going to be born in 2 mths. I couldn't even imagine what is going through her and her husband's minds right now. Such a exciting/scary/crazy question to have to think about. It makes me wonder why my husband and I could never get so lucky for someone to ask us to do such an amazing task for them. I would of course jump on it and my husband would be the rational one and want to think it over. Which I agree is an amazing idea, I thought of so many questions for her think about or for her look into. I just want her to be well informed so that she can make the BEST decision for all parties involved and not get her heart broken again. She deserves this and to not have her heart broken either.

Another thing that I have been thinking about is just how many women out there that are faced with the challenge of infertility. You don't really think about it until your faced with the grief. I know I never did, just in the last year or so I have met many amazing women that I have been acquintances with and didn't even know it. Although it has given me others to talk to or share things with. I knew of 1 couple that struggled with this for a long time, one of my best friends brother's friends wife. I never thought about how sad it really was until now when I am faced with the same challenge in life. I went to school with a total of 4 other women that have been faced with this challenge. One was an acquintance, one I met while going to a seminar about infertility, who is happily been blessed with a pregnancy, one that I was closer with at one time, and another that was a best friend from 4th grade on, we spent many weekends together and lots of time, her husband is the unlucky one in this case but she does have a son from a previous relationship. I have also known at least 3 women that I can think of that were told they would never be able to have children. 1 has 3 boys, another has 2 boys and a girl, and the last one has 1 little boy. I know that all of us have been through our own struggles in some way or another with this terrible thing.

The last thing that I want to get off my chest today is what I have learned about the difference of infertilty and miscarriage versus just infertility. I always thought there was something worse about the fact that I couldn't get pregnant at all. I have been thinking about this, I would always think to myself at least you can get pregnant even if it is with help. I can't even get that far, I felt they had a little bit more hope than I did because at least they knew that their body worked and mine doesn't give me any hope at all. I have thought about this lately with some of the things that have come up and I think that I could take just plain infertility versus infertility/miscarriage. The reason for this is that I can only imagine how exciting it is to find out you are pregnant whether naturally or with assistance then to only be let down when that baby doesn't make it. No matter what stage that you are in with the pregnancy it is going to hurt. One reason that I just thought of is that it could hinder your chances of ever becoming pregnant again. Knowing that your body works in this sense but doesn't complete the package would suck on so many levels. Being infertile just leaves that to more questions and anxiety. Can I get pregnant again, if I do will I lose it again, what if I can't get pregnant or be able to carry the baby? I know that the "waiting" game sucks but being excited when you find out that your hard work or patience has finally paid off but then to be left with nothing in the end can only suck more than anything!!

Until next time....................

Reality!!

A lot has happened since my last post about babysitting my nieces this weekend. We had plans to take them to the zoo and I was getting more excited as the days grew closer. Last weekend my in laws came over and apparently told my husband that they would rather all of us go to the zoo because they don't think we can handle the girls by ourselves. This upset me and pissed me off. My husband of course got mad and just said whatever apparently we are not good enough nor capable of babysitting them either. I was full of mixed emotions on this, at this point I just wanted to throw my hands up and say forget it, we do not want to babysit then. I knew that a week before the occasion was not a good time to say find a new babysitter so K and I complained about it to ourselves and then got over it. I posted on my fb page inconspicuously that maybe you should let us try because we can handle it. We may not have our own children but it is not by our choice so let us have fun with the only little ones we get.

I don't know if they saw my post or thought about it some more or what but then we were given the chance to take them to the zoo sometime last week. Really?!?!?!? we already made other plans to show up later in the day and nor did I plan financially at this time. So that just made us even more mad but we just said oh well. Maybe we will get to take them to the zoo later. I was upset because I wanted to do something with them, I just didn't want to sit at the house, I wanted to have fun with them.

Friday night my SIL called to find out what time we were planning on coming over. She said the girls were excited and was making comments that indicated, to me, that the girls thought we were going to the zoo still. I asked my husband if he told his brother that because of their initial decision our plans changed and he did. I didn't want to upset/disappoint the girls because of this. He stated that he told him that since we were coming over late in the day obviously we weren't taking them to the zoo. Then I wanted to take them to the zoo but my husband was painting his friend's car so that was completely out of the picture at that point.

I get there on Saturday to get the low down of everything. The girls seemed to be excited and my littlest niece kept asking where my husband was. Then she just kept repeating it, seems they were excited for us to be there. I showed up by myself because the hubby was still in the middle of painting when it was time to leave. Which worked out because I had to be up at 5 am Sunday and didn't want to be out too late, this allowed me to drive home for bed while he finished watching them. The first "mistake" I made that showed I had little idea what I was doing was to put my niece's diaper on backwards!! How embarassing and just perfect when we have been fighting to say that we can handle them and we are infertile not invalids. Way to go and screw that idea up. I could only imagine what was going through their heads, what did we do to our children. At least I realized my mistake and didn't ask questions!! I don't even remember the last time that I changed a diaper, probably when she was under a year old so at least a year or so. Not to blame me completely, I have done this many times before just a little bit rusty!! So they finally left and it was just me and the girls, dun dun duuuuun. LOL Actually it was going fine. The littlest was playing with me, the oldest was watching TV, so I was on to a good start. I was thinking this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I of course didn't want to just sit around all night with them bored out of my mind. We had fun though and it wasn't as boring or terrible watching a 6 and 2 1/2 yr old like I thought it might be.

My niece tested what she could get away with, I was told that if she picked up her sister she was to go to time out for 6 mins. Well I thought all would be good until I constantly had to tell her to be nice to her sister or stop making her mad. I thought, she is testing me to see what she can get away with because I kept saying do it again and you will be in time out but I never followed through. See I got this parenting thing down, I am not as dumb as I seem to be!! Ha ha!! So she got time out and of course she didn't like it but I didn't have to fight her to go to her room or anything. After that we played, she decided she was going to "fix" my hair. That was a blast, she kept putting hair clips in and then would pull them out when it didn't look good!! They were enjoying it though and that is all that mattered!!

The hubby finally got there and I thought we were gonna go out for dinner but he talked the girls into pizza and decided to stay in, we planned that afternoon to take them to the park to play and feed the ducks. So we all ate, got ready and headed out for some fun!! They really seemed to like feeding the ducks, my husband showed them how to feed them from their hand so that was fun too!!

It gave me the opportunity to see how amazing of a father he would be, and how much fun it would be to have our own. Here comes some sadness and hopes again for my own. I didn't cry but just enjoyed the time and thought about how much I would love to be able to do that someday with my own little ones. I got lots of pictures and sent some pics to their parents to show them they were having a good time. Although they never called once to check on them so I guess they didn't feel to unconfident in our adult skills. This also wasn't their first time going out on their own so I am sure leaving them with someone else isn't such a big deal as when it is the first time.

Next we went over to the play ground equipment, the littlest one was having a blast going down the slide, and she was not shy and talked/played with the other little kids around there too. The oldest one wanted to show us her skills on the monkey bars. Next we went over to the swings, let me tell you about some scared times. The oldest was swinging so high it was scary. This is where my husband and I are made for each other, he isn't scared of anything and of course I am the scared/motherly type that wants to protect, especially since this was our first time babysitting and they were already questioning our ability, I didn't want to bring back a hurt kid.

Got lots more pics then moved back over to the play ground equipment, we let them play as long as possible though it wasn't as long as I would have liked due to our late start to the evening. I like to think they had lots of fun. We stopped to get ice cream on our way home, the littlest one was pretty wore out at that time. We were playing the radio and singing at the top of our lungs. We definetely we no professional singers but we were having fun. We took the ice cream back home, and I didn't think about ice cream/sugar and waking up. The littlest one got somewhat of a second wind but unfortanetely it was almost bed time for them. I brushed their teeth and gave them their vitamins and off to bed we went.

I didn't think the littlest one was going to fall asleep, she didn't want to go to bed at first but I read her a book and she laid there. I told the oldest one, whom I thought was really going to struggle with going to sleep that she could read to me. I wanted to find out what my hubby was doing since I seemed to be the only one doing the tucking in. I found him asleep on the chair, poor guy was tuckered out after a long day!! I tried to get a picture because I thought it was funny he was out before the little ones!! We went in and let the oldest read her book, felt like the longest book ever, especially since they were supposed to be asleep by 10 and it was fast approaching 1030 since I had to get the little one to sleep read to her and then listen to the oldest read too.

It was cool to watch her read and to help her too. She is going into first grade in the fall and I have known her since she was 2 1/2 so it is neat to watch her learn/grow. We definetely don't get to see them or do things with them enough and the time is quickly fading away.

They were both tucked in and ready for bed and I headed home. All in all it was fun and brought the sadness of wanting to be a mother to the surface that much more. Got me thinking about how I wish we could try the next steps again but financially it is hard and of course it isn't going to happen on it's own. I think those feelings surfaced for my husband also. It was nice to be reminded of how well we work together as a couple and how great we will be as parents some day!!

Thank you D!!!!!!

I felt a blog was in need to thank my friend D for turning me onto blogging. She has turned me towards some great blogs about infertility that have really helped me to feel better. It is so nice to know that I really am not alone when I think about something that bothers me. I have found blogs that talk about things I thought only happened to me, through the trials of other woman's journeys or rants, my next tattoo (A teal ribbon on my wrist for PCOS awareness, and one for infertility awareness), that I am not the only one that has real fur babies, that my crazy (old) obsession with taking pregnancy tests was not really crazy, and that there is so many other ladies out there just like me in so many ways!! I had been down and having a harder time lately but these blogs that I have found have really helped me to feel better. I can read about someone else's journey and gain hope for myself!! I have even found info about how to get grants for help with infertility procedures as well as an amazing group that is already out there, RESOLVE, fighting for insurances to pay for more when it comes to infertility!! I am sooo sad that I didn't know about National Infertility Week but so glad to have D in my life to get me involved and to learn about all this stuff!! It has REALLY helped me cope and I just want to say Thank you a million times!! : )

The what ifs of infertility.........

There are so many of these when it comes to infertility. I have read as many websites, articles, or books about this subject when we started this journey. I now take prenatal vitamins, which isn't a bad thing, have tried "relaxing". I am more relaxed now about then when I first started. It is hard to relax and not think about anything to do with pregnancy when your doing the deed for that specific reason. I remember my OB/GYN did say that to me once but not in a way that they always tell everyone to not say to an infertile woman. She was just reminding us to relax through the process and try not to make it work when you forced to do "it" on certain days, it makes it hard for it to be romantic. Anyhoo back on track, she was using the scenario that teenagers always get pregnant because they are not worrying/thinking about getting preggo they are just living in the moment and that is why it always happens to them.

Yes I have been through all of those things that I thought would help me to get pregnant, without any results. I have been reading lately about PCOS and it says that pregnancy can be attainable through proper eating. My husband and I stopped smoking the first of the year, not on a resolution just because we couldn't afford it any more. Which has been nice, money and health/feeling wise. I started dieting January 18th as well as exercising. So that has been 4 mths and still nothing. It just sucks to try and try and wonder what if I do this and just nothing does anything for you. Makes me wonder if losing weight isn't going to help, although losing 20 lbs hasn't been bad either.

End of the day, end of the conversation!!

Today is a two blog day!!

I was searching infertility today online since I had such a rough night last night and found this amazing website that has a lot of information that I found helpful and I know any infertile couple would totally understand!! Decided it was good enough for a second post today!!

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.



“I always hated Mother’s Day. I tried to avoid everything about it. My mom and my siblings would send me Happy Mother’s Day messages for ‘Duke’s mom’ -- our dog.  And my husband would buy me a small gift or give me a card with the same greetings.  I appreciated the thoughts and always said thanks.  But inside I would feel even more sad than I had before.  A few years ago I broke down and I told my husband that his gesture was just making me feel worse.  He said, ‘But you are Duke’s mom!’  I said, ‘But I’m not a real mom. I love him with all my heart, but he is only a dog!’ He got serious and said to me, "How can you say you are not a real mom?!  That is an insult to him!  You are his mom. You take care of him, feed him, walk him, love him, teach him tricks, take him everywhere. Without you he would not be the awesome dog that he is - everyone raves about how great he is!  You create that, you made that happen. Don’t you ever let me hear you say again that you are not Duke’s mom!’  That was very powerful for me.  It has made Mother’s Day much easier for me to deal with.  And it is all due to Duke and his dad!  -- Andrea

Mother's Day..........

Those two words do not belong in this world, Mother's Day and Infertility. Mother's Day + Infertility= Sadness; heartache; grief and many other words. People don't realize what that can do to someone or the affects of their actions. I had previously decided that I didn't know if I was going to participate in my in-laws activities because I already knew exactly what was going to happen. There were a few things that I didn't know when I decided to go. We had to go to them about what the plans were for Mother's Day with my mother-in-law this week. They had planned on taking her to breakfast this morning, without making sure that our plans would be ok with this. I reminded my father-in-law that I work on Sundays and that wouldn't work for me. We then planned to cook dinner for her at our house Saturday night because no one ever called us. Come Friday, I believe, we were invited over for dinner so I didn't even know if my brother/sister-in-law would be there because we were told they would have to check their schedules and working plans first. By the time it actually came I didn't even think about it, I was excited for a cooked meal and to get out of the house I guess. I had a yard sale this weekend and was stuck at home in the basement with little interaction. I didn't even have time to think about my feelings with the whole situation, and had put aside my thoughts from earlier.

When we got there everything was fine as usual, my brother in law wanted to take my husband's mother to Lowes to pick out flowers for Mother's day. That was going to be my gift as well, so I wanted to go, plus I LOVE flowers so I couldn't pass up the chance to go. We bought me some flowers for my new garden and she got some as well. Still everything going normally, we got a late start to the dinner because my husband had a project to complete at home first. By the time we got back from Lowes it was time to eat because it was getting late and I had to be up for work at 5 am. Everything was still going well, ate dinner, dessert, met my other brother-in-laws new girlfriend, my mother-in-law was informed on the way to Lowes that we would be watching the girls the first weekend in June, and since we had to leave I started the festivities with handing her the card we got her and Keith announced that her gift was going to be late because it got lost in the mail. And here it comes.........the gift for my sister-in-law that my nieces made her, they each made her a bird house.

I was ready to leave at that point because of course it was made into a huge deal for the kids but was bothering me just like I knew that it would. I got up and was standing ready to go by the door because of that and also because it was approaching 9 and we had to get home so I could sleep. The tears started in my eyes before I even left the driveway but I didn't let them come out scared of what my husband would let run out of his mouth. Pretty sad that I have to keep my feelings inside, I just don't think that he fully understands because we have gone years without it bothering us.

We were almost home and I started the conversation the best that I could, I asked if my "kids" could make me a bird house and he could use their tails as paint brushes. Yeah right I already know the kids wouldn't go for that!! Wishful thinking though.....right?

I did my usual, fed the kids and went to bed. There it started, I got to thinking about how nice it was and how my feelings weren't considered and how much it just sucked. That might not ever be me and I yearn for it. I think last year when she had my niece make her mom a flower bouquet in a pail thingy she made me one also. Even though I didn't like it, it is the thought that counted and I thought it was pretty cool and helped me to feel a little bit better. I know that it is not others problem to know or keep that in mind, especially when you put such a huge front that it doesn't bother you. My mother-in-laws life revolves around those kids anyways and she doesn't see our kids the same way that we do, especially me, so she isn't going to think about that. I tried to include her in as much as we can when it comes to the kids and them being her grandkids but it just isn't the same. I am glad that my mother feels the same way as me and understands a little bit more!!

Anyways back to where I started it was bothering me and I don't even remember how my husband got involved in the conversation again as I was laying in bed. Keith let my two babies in the room with me because they wanted to be in there with me and I guess I asked him about how that was nice. It just started from there, he got upset at me, because he doesn't understand or think about it since it hadn't bothered me in so long why it now suddenly does. He made some comments that upset me even more and stormed off because I guess he didn't know what to do or say. I just continued to lay there and bawl my eyes out. He finally came back and I told him because he was being a jerk that I didn't want to talk to him but of course being my husband he knows how to get me to talk. After ignoring him long enough and him continually asking me what I eventually caved in and hash it out with him.

It went from being mean to talking with me and trying to help me to feel better although I still wish that he at least held me and let me cry, sometimes I wonder where that part of him went after we got married though I have seen it some lately. We have just had a lot going on. He says that he wished I would have told him or he would have been fine with me staying home by myself if it was going to bother me. Although he wouldn't be there by my side to comfort me I understand that he can't not go himself. It is not like we can just come out and say these things to them because they just don't get it. They never will and I will always struggle with this.

He said that I should have gone in the other room if I didn't want to be there, which I didn't think about, although I did get up and walk away. He said that I could have stayed home and he would have understood although I wasn't sure what was going to happen anyways. I just wish that was easier like before to handle. Now he says that he doesn't want to babysit my nieces because he is afraid that after we get home from the zoo and have had fun with them that I am going to regret having taken them or get upset about it afterwards. Although I do not think that will be the case, I would love to spend time with them and do fun things like that but we pretty much get left out in the cold when it comes to his family in everything so we don't ever bother.

I can't wait until they get older, maybe I will ask that they come stay the night or something although I don't think that will ever happen. Kids love me, I don't always understand why but something about me they love. I get sad thinking about it because my little cousin used to come over a lot, we would have little slumber parties, watch movies, eat junk for dinner, I had taken her to the mall a few times, and now she is 16 and I am sure getting too OLD for those fun outings with me. I now look back and wish that I had done these things with her more but at the time my priorities were else where. She loves my french toast and that is all that she would talk about, my little brother was always the same.

He has lived an hour away for a long time so it wasn't always the same with him, plus he was my brother and I am not used to boys but he loved it all the same plus my french toast!! Apparently that is the talk of everything when they come over, maybe someday I will get to do that with my nieces and we will have fun!! That is why I want to take them to the zoo and have some fun with them, I know that if we go home it is just going to be me doing other things and not knowing what to do with them. I know that they will enjoy the zoo and have a blast and that makes me happy.

It just sucks to have to go through and I feel as though I do it alone. My husband doesn't understand, although I tried to explain it to him last night. It just hurts that is my soul purpose in life, is to be a mother and I can't do it, not even on my own. I want to try out this new doctor but we don't have the money and my husband doesn't want to do it until our money situation is a little bit better, although hopefully it will be soon so we might get there. I just wish it would happen already.....................surprise two pink lines, no more period, and not having to wonder or wait. Why can't it be so easy for me?

To have a kid or not, that is the question!!

So today my discussion is going to be about the ups, downs and in betweens of our journey. I am so glad that my husband and I can be happy and coexist without having a baby in our lives. There are couples that actually get divorced after struggling with this thing called infertility. Not us......because we love each other more than that and we make it a thing for both of us not just one or the other. I don't have to console my husband but he does me more than not, most of the time I am ok, but I have my moments. I am glad that when people ask or I talk about it I say "we" can't have kids. I don't talk about myself as a one sided story because I can't have a baby by myself it takes us both. And we are in for the journey for the long run!!

 Another thing that I want to talk about is holidays, now they used to not bother me. This year I didn't want to participate in our nieces Easter egg hunt. This year I have been debating wanting to spend mother's day with my in-law at the same time as my sister and brother in law. My mother-in-law usually makes a craft with the kids and it hurts to have to see that. I will have to see when it gets closer to that time, although I will probably go anyways. I love that my husband and I buy each other gifts but I think it is more of an excuse to get something as opposed to taking it seriously, well I do at least. But I do deserve something, I still have to baby, show affection, exercise, play, feed, take to get shots, clean up after, they wake you up in the middle of the night to go potty, I have to watch them closely, care/love/discipline (although I suck at the last part), take care of them when they are sick. Now how does all that not constitute being a mother, sounds the same as the two legged less furry kind, to me!!

I also went on this, I am not having kids, fun binge, which I deserve because if I do get lucky enough to have a baby I might be too old when they are able to take care of themselves to enjoy anything as an adult so......I went crazy and bought a Camaro. Not a bad idea, something I have always wanted and I vowed to not get rid of it even if I did have a baby. Well that didn't last too long, when I decided that it was time to be upset/think about it I decided it was not practical for that reason. I couldn't even get the empty puppy kennel back there when I brought home Bailey, good thing my mom was there to hold him. There were more reasons then that to get rid of the great Camaro but this was just another notch on the reason list to not keep it side.

The next thing is I love that my husband and I can agree on this more than anything. I am glad that I only have to feel the pain of not being able to have a baby sometimes. I have met others that haven't taken it so well, but we all have our times. There is the grieving stage, the denial, and I am sure the o well shit happens stage to go through. Don't get me wrong I love kids but it is nice to have our peace and quiet. Onlying having to worry about the pups and not another human being that needs way more attention. I remember my husband and I were at a party for our sister-in-law and we looked at each other and I said it is nice to not have to worry about the crazy kids that are running around and not being good. We can just enjoy ourselves or relax. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I am not "cut" to be a mother one day. I don't like going somewhere and having to hear a kid screaming at the top of their lungs the whole way through the grocery store. One day I know this will be me and I will enjoy every minute of the good and not think about the bad. I hope that my kids have more discipline than the kids now days so I don't have to deal with that though.

I know that one day this will all change and I know that it will if it is meant to be......until next time.

The next step!!

My last post ended with me talking about taking a break from the neverending month after month of planned (unfun) sex with my husband and then the excitement/disappointment of wondering is this the time that I am going to become a mother. We took that couple months of a much needed break to regain our sanity and give it another try. The doctor said that one chance was all we were going to get this time around before we started on to others tests. So we went for it, and low and behold another month without any excitememt.

I was upset and couldn't figure out why they were only going to give us one shot when a normal pregnancy doesn't always occur after just one try. I gave up at this point though although I was given the option for another chance. It is such a hard and emotional roller coaster and mentally exhausting.

Our next option was to go in for a Hysteroadfhiads;fhafhsadfh something that I can't pronounce and always forget what it is called. The easy term is the they spread me eagle, feet in stirrups, and shoot dye into my fallopian tubes to make sure that my tubes are not clogged before they start on to the next process. Unfortanately insurance doesn't cover much for infertility and I had a $1000 deductible to meet before the insurance would pay/cover anything. So this is where we have been stuck for the last 2 yrs now I think, just waiting.

This whole process sucks on so many levels, because when you don't think that you can financially make it and it would just be easier to come up pregnant and then plan for it as opposed to just saying hey let's spend money that we do not have to bring a child into the world that we aren't sure we can support. Then the emotional ups and downs that you can go through on your own, it can all be confusing. It just makes you wonder why me?

I have new insurance since the process originally began but I think that they cover $2500 worth for a lifetime and that is it. Ok, so the first time works after the insurance covers it and then guess what baby #2 starts to creep into your mind and then oh well the insurance won't help us here, EVER AGAIN. It is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard of. You will help cover for families to not get pregnant and don't even get me started on whether there is an option for abortion. Every way to prevent or discontinue a pregnancy just not one that creates a baby, the most expensive part of it all. And heartbreaking at that when faced with these decisions.

I had this great friend that looks up infertility issues online and although I am too lazy or just don't think about it she finds these great things. She turned me on to this infertility seminar that was awesome and something that I really needed. I am lucky enough to only have spurts of times when not being able to have babies bothers me more than anything but for the most part my husband and I are happy with how things are in our lives. That will be my next week's blog, to have a kid or not to, that is definitely a good question!!

Continuation of our journey!!

I haven't been on here in awhile. The last post I left was a very bad day for me, but I am feeling better now. I believe the post before that was a stop on our journey so I can continue from there. We had left the doctor's office in pain and moved on to the start of seeing an OB/GYN for the question of our infertility. Since I had missed my period, I was put on a hormone to jump start it again, I don't remember every detail about the journey and each of the steps from the beginning.

I found a dr in St. Peters because I refuse to see any of the doctors around where I live nor do I plan on going to the hospital in my area. I have heard or seen too much that I just do not like at all, I want a hospital that cares!! That is a whole different post so back on subject now!!

We went to see the OB/GYN to talk about our options and what our steps would be, she asked the usual questions, what we had tried, how long we had tried, etc etc. Explained not pregnant after a year of no protection or birth control, been through the ovulation tests, and I think that was it at the time, you might even be able to throw in taking prenatal vitamins. Many of things that I had read online during my search for the dream of becoming a mother.

The first thing that she had us try was the basal method, which is waking up and immediately taking your temperature while charting it and if there is a slight increase then have sex like rabbits. That didn't work, I believe that she asked if I had been tested for PCOS. I told her yes that my regular doctor had blood drawn but that the results showed nothing. She stated that I had the symptoms and that outweighs the blood work results. That started my PCOS diagnosis and from there the next steps took place.

I believe that the first month we started testing I had to get blood drawn so many days after my period started to test if I was ovulating on my own. The test confirmed that I was not so we started on Clomid, a medicine that causes your body to ovulate. This is the best part of the whole process, not!!

This part is actually the most stressful in my opinion. The day your period starts, you call the doctor to tell them, they call in your medicine, five days after your period starts you take the pills, so day 5-10 your taking the Clomid then days 10-20 your having sex every other day whether you want to or not, then I think the following week you have your blood drawn to see if your body ovulated. My hormone levels skyrocketed the first trial, I think they were in the 40s if I remember right. The nurse said good is 10, 20 is excellent so 40 was amazing and I think she thought I would become pregnant that month. You then have to wait, think you are feeling symptoms that are not really there and then suddenly your period comes and you go through the disappoinment and start the process again.

Next month same process although my numbers were no where close to what they needed to be this time, my nurse was just as disapointed as me. She didn't understand so we tried another time. This last time numbers higher but not as high as the first time, excitement and then lo and behold disappointment on the same try.

The next step was to test my husband's little swimmers. This was not fun at all, I tried to be supportive by being there, and helping, to the best of my ability but it was still "traumatic" for him!! We went to a place in the city because my health insurance covered it and it was closer to the doctor's office, since we had an appointment later that day.

They gave him the cup in a bag, told us to go to this restroom down the hall and come back when finished. We walked down this hallway, went in the bathroom, did our thing, and while finishing up there comes a knock on the door, several times too by the way. We come out and drop off the sample and leave for our doctors appointment.

We met a new doctor this visit because our other doctor left that practice and I did not want to move offices in the middle of what I was going through. Dr. Matusek was great, felt like someone that we could sit around our backyard with and drink some beer. She was laid back, didn't watch her language, when she shaked Keith's hand she remembered what he had just done previously and made a comment about that too!! She has infertility issues also, so that was helpful, she explained everything to us, what PCOS is, our other options such as adoption, shopping for new "swimmers", so on and so forth.

She decided that I had PCOS and since our three trials of Clomid weren't successful she wanted us to take a "break" and start on some Metformin. This medicine is actually used for diabetes but helps to regulate my hormones. They also tested his swimmers while we were on the break, another bump in the road came along about his swimmers. There were plenty of them but they were half dead so the results were not good at all because the place tested them after the 30 min window that they are alive.

We took that much needed break from our journey, started the meds (which suck by the way), and went in for another try...............

Really?!?!?!?! So that is what you think........

Last night, for the first time in the 5 years that I have been with my husband our sister-in-law asked if we could babysit our two nieces in June while they go to an adult's only wedding. I am guessing that it must be a family member because instead of her parents, brother and sister-in-law, or sister and brother-in-law being asked we actually were. Although we were advised that they needed to sleep in their own bed!!

This was exciting and a shock to me because my oldest niece is 6 yrs old and we have NEVER been asked in any way shape or form to babysit them!! Of course we agreed because we have nothing to do ever and it would be fun!! We told her that was fine and we would be happy to watch them. We made a joke and asked if they would watch our three "kids" when we leave town the first weekend in May, even though we already have plans we just thought it would be funny!!

Of course, like everyone else they see our "kids" as animals and not part of the family. Their first question was what does that consist of? Ugh...the same as your kids, we may spoil our animals more than others but they are a part of our family even if we had kids. We are not going to just leave them in their kennels all day and all night to only be let out a few times to eat and potty!! I don't think so, we have keith's mom stay at our house because I do not even want them to sleep in their kennels all night long because they are not used to that. So yeah we would not even think to ask you for real because that would be too much for you to handle.

Well Keith told her it was a joke and right after that she called. Keith talked with her about having the kids over to swim that night. She said that was fine, Keith talked about not going to McDonald's because they offered to buy us dinner. She was talking us through what they do when they take them out to eat, which wouldn't matter to me but was nice advice. Then the worst part came, now that the kids are older and selfs-sufficient and easier to take care of we thought we would ask you guys. Really?!?!?!?!? And she even threw in no offense but now they can tell you what they want or need so they are easier.

Just because I can't or don't have kids does not mean that I am stupid and can't manage to take care of them myself. I have taken care of and been the "mother" for a short time for many of kids and don't need your kids to be self-sufficient for me to watch them. I can handle it now and could have handled it then. That is fine if you want to feel that way when they are smaller but then find out that I can manage but don't make it seem as though I am an invalid just because I CAN'T have kids. This was not a choice that I made and of course I play it off like it is nothing but it is to me.

That hurt me so badly then I had a dream about our infertility and what my husband's brother and sister-in-law think (or don't know) about it. I hate this, I have never felt so insulted in my entire life. It hurt me and of course bothered me enough to dream about it. Maybe you should ask how we feel about things or give us the opportunity to show you otherwise before you just assume. And then you want to say, again, no offense but we want them to sleep in their own bed. I am sorry that you don't treat animals the same as we do, regardless of children or not, I saw how you treated your last dog before you finally got rid of it. I am sorry that my house might not be perfect or smell the greatest but you know something my husband, I, and our "children" are perfectly happy with our living conditions and I am sorry that you are not. Our house is not filthy or in conditions that a human nor animal should be around. I still clean my house just as much as you and I may not bath my animals enough but you know something I live my life and enjoy it to the best of my abilities.

Makes me want to enjoy the time that they are with us and make sure that they have a blast. Thinking about taking them somewhere fun for the day, like the zoo, just to prove that we can and that they will have a blast with us.

The start of my journey to motherhood....and the end

Today's blog, I have decided to talk about how and where it all began. I like that I can just let my thoughts out of my head for a change, and if someone reads them or doesn't, I don't care. This blogging is fun, I was thinking about what to write on my way to work this morning. I have an hour drive so plenty of time to think!!

I am sure that this journey started when I was born and then continued it's journey from the time I started my period when I was 11. I was on birth control from the time that I was 16, not because I was sexually active, although I was for the first time but because my periods were so unpredictable.

The first time that I was diagnosed with what they say I have, PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome was sometime in my early 20's. I went to the family planning office for my one year exam and birth control. I had asked the doctor why I was getting hair on my chin when I was so young and if that was normal. She stated that it was not and since I have a happy trail suggested that I talk with my doctor and be tested for PCOS.

I had no idea what that meant but looked it up online and read that it could cause infertility. I was upset but my boyfriend, at the time, was not ready to have a child with me. It sucked but I went to the doctor and had my blood drawn, she stated that my levels all appeared normal and that I did not have PCOS. That was a great day!! Skipped through a few pregnancies scares but nothing was ever official, I blame most of this on the fact that I wanted to be a mother so bad.

Fast forward a few years, out with the old boyfriend, by the way unprotected sex for at least a year using the pull-out method with no pregnancies, I just assumed we were really lucky, in with the new boyfriend turned husband!! We used protection, mostly birth control, until we decided that we were ready to become parents. We did the whole year of waiting, thinking I was pregnant each month, taking test after test, hoping/wishing, false symptoms, ovulation tests, and up comes a day that I am about two weeks late. I am used to being late for my period but this was very unusual for me, I took a test with a negative result but still no period in sight. I knew about that whole false negative and since I had NEVER missed my period in my whole life, I made a doctor appointment believing that this was it, finally. Keith and I started thinking about baby names and basically acting as though this was finally it.

I went to the doctor, explained everything, and peed in a cup, like I had a million times before. She came back with a negative result and I tried to hold back the tears. Luckily Keith was coming in after for his own appointment so I asked that he be brought back to console me.

From that point the doctor suggested that I see an OB/GYN since it had been a year with no results.

More to come later on my journey to motherhood..........

My first attempt at a blog!!

Thanks Dawn for turning me to doing this. I do not know how long it will last but maybe it will help me when I am having a bad day!!

My husband and I have been together for 5 years this coming July and married for four years in September. Our infertility journey started June 26, 2008, I know I know I remember the exact date. We decided that day that we were going to take our relationship as a couple to a new stage, going off birth control and letting nature take it's course.

Four years into that journey we have been through doctor visits, medications, blood tests, more medications, dissappointment, and many tears in the end we have come out with a broken heart, no hope, and no baby. Financially right now is not a good time, especially when there is no assistance for having a child only for getting rid of one.

We have had our ups and downs with this journey and a lot of good and hard times. I have met some other amazing women that understand my journey that I already knew before!! This helped me to feel as though I was not the only one out there. No one can ever understand the feelings you go through personally or as a couple but these woman can say more than others that have had the luxury of becoming a mother.

I have been through disappointment and also living with the reality, there comes a point when I am ok with it and then there are times when I am not ok with it. Right now I am on the struggling side of not being ok with it, I do not cry about it every day, week, or month but there are certain things that bother me now that I can't deal with like before.

I have lived with wanting to be a mother since, like my grandma says, I was knee high to a grasshopper. I imagined since I was little that I had lots and lots of children and I always longed for a little brother or sister. I finally was blessed with a little brother when I was 16 and he was 4, so that was one dream come true but I wish I would have been able to spend more time with him from the time that he was growing inside his mother until now. I still hate the fact that I don't spend as much time with him as I would like or should. As far as I know he still loves me the same!!

My husband and I have enjoyed not having children and there are still days when we do but those times that I wish I could be a mother still creep up from time to time. One of these times has been recently with seeing so many friends on Facebook announcing their pregnancies, the joys of finding out the sex of their unborn child, and talking about the firsts. It sucks and makes you feel so much smaller and inadequete than one should. Our current struggle now is financially trying to get ourselves back on track and then finding the money to take the next step with a place I found out about called PARINTS. This place has my hopes set that they can "fix" me and allow my husband and I to become parents. Right now I just do not feel that is feasible until we get our relationship, due to the stress of our lives, back on track also. I love my husband to death but when you are having struggles of any type sometimes a break from the things you want is best for a little while. We will get back to that point again, some day soon just takes time and change!!

I could go on forever but for now am going to leave you with this!!

Until the next time, enjoy!!