Babies, Babies, and more babies!!

I feel bad that it has been a month since my last post. I get irritated with having to wait for the verification text so I just haven't gotten on much. Not much in my neck of the woods, fighting with my emotions. Wanting a baby, not wanting a baby, other stresses that life swings our way, and more wondering.

Father's day came and went, not much emotion for me. I figured that my hubby wouldn't get upset since he is in the "it is ok" mode right now. I wanted to make sure that he didn't end up feeling the same way that I did on Mother's day even when we went to his parents, where his mom helped our nieces make t-shirts for his brother. Hate it, hate it, hate it!! I decided to make him a great, from the heart, gift instead of buying him something that I didn't have the money for. I took a large frame that I was trying to sell and found all the pics that I have of him and our "kids" and added them to the frame on some colored paper. I also added some scrapbooking daddy and puppy stickers and did each pup's footprint. Let me tell you that was a chore itself!! I was going to give it to him at his parent's house so they could be like, oh that is right they can't have babies. And they just MIGHT understand for once and think twice about things they do around us. Anyways I was getting ready to bring the gifts to the car and he asked about it. I kept terribly trying to lie about it because I didn't want to give away my secret. He told me that he liked our gifts to be about us and not anyone else so I gave it to him. I don't remember that he said much about it but I thint he really liked it.

That has pretty much been it for baby talk. My feelings come and go, sometimes I get upset and sometimes I don't. I have been stressed and had to change my depression/anxiety medicine but was having a discussion with my hubby this weekend about how hard our life is and how much it sucks. We talked about how it was so nice to not have kids and the things that sad infertiles do not talk about. I know that if/when it happens I will regret ever saying those things and that I will change my mind. I guess maybe it is my defense since I feel helpless in this situation and am trying to enjoy/make the best of it.

These last few weeks have sucked, I haven't been super upset (meaning crying) until today. A friend of mine lost her baby suddenly at 37 weeks. I have been thinking about her a lot and what she has had to go through these last few weeks. Imagining some of the steps that she has gone through and imagining what it would be like. It has hit me hard, in a way, I got a card for my dept at work to sign, because she worked there before me and got me hired. Another AMAZING friend of mine started a fundraiser to help pay for the funeral costs which has gone amazingly well. I donated $12 which isn't much but all I could afford and I know that every bit counts and will mean so much to them even if it is just a little. I even started collecting donations from our department as well, that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would but feel good to be doing what I can, especially to help ease some of their pain.

I also found out this week that one of my cousins had a baby. Not a complete shock but I forgot about it. Basically the quick rundown of it, she was hooked on heroin, overdosed, suddenly came up pregnant. Seemed to, I hope at least straightener her out while she was pregnant, I went to her baby shower, came to the hospital while she was in labor and afterwards to meet the baby, while her idiotic boyfriend was there. Who I ended up hating more and more and found out how much of a douchebag he was. He brought food in the room while my cousin was in labor which everyone bitched at him about. Found out after the baby was born he and her older brother brought beer in through soda fountain cups, then apparently spilled it and they were trying to clean it up while trying to keep it unnoticed since it smelled so bad. Ok, so she was stupid, whatever, she seemed to want to pawn the baby off on anyone that she could, including me. My hubby and I babysat her once and then I couldn't do it the next time. She tried though, suddenly when the baby was 2 or 3 she bailed moving to New York with some guy saying that she was going to rehab. She hasn't been back once, left her daughter with her dad and I don't know if she talks with her or not. My other little cousin said that the baby knows who she is but still the worst thing a parent could ever do. I talked with my Aunt and hubby about adopting her, sad for her situation and knew she needed someone babymaking age instead of her grandparents to raise her but let it go. So she has two babies by two different men and one of them she doesn't even have custody of or hasn't seen in at least 2 if not 3 years now. Her daughter is 5.

She apparently was getting beat then couldn't afford to move back down here so she stayed there. I read on her facebook about her being pregnant. She doesn't get on much and didn't announce it herself, I read it on a comment on her page. Thought terrific, leave one and have another....stupid. Well I found out she was actually pregnant and had another little girl. Makes me sooooo sad, I can't have kids but this druggy deadbeat of a mother, has another baby. She is states away from her family, wonder who she is going to try and pawn this kid off on, or leave the baby with. Makes me sick, pisses me off, and makes me sad.

Then today I get on facebook read about my friend's sister having a miscarriage which she has struggled with herself and has to struggle with infertilty as well. That made me cry a little bit but the kicker was finding out my other little cousin, on my mom's side, just found out she is pregnant. Guess what? ANOTHER bad idea, she had a baby at 16, seems to be doing somewhat of a decent job but some things she would post on facebook was not mother material in my mind and had me wondering. She then posted pics of herself after her boyfriend that she is madly in "love" with tried to strangle her. She talked about going to the cops and that the doctor said he wasn't far from killing her. She then posted that she was going to stay with him. Really?!?!?!?!? I grew up with abuse in my family, will NEVER let it happen to me, and I am pretty sure that she grew up that way as well and she is going to make this choice. I had a few choice words to say on her facebook although I know it isn't going to change how she thinks but wanted her to know, while her friends said they are behind her decision. More stupidness in my mind then announces she is pregnant with his baby. So this is baby number two with a different man also. I am beginning to see a pattern

I have a stable, happy home and relationship with my husband and we can't catch a break with having a baby but all these worthless woman can. How is that fair or how does it work that way? Just makes me want to cry a lot.

4 yrs TTC today!!

Wow, this isn't even what I wanted my post to be about today. I am having a rough time in my life right now but I got on here and was reminded that today has been 4 yrs. I think about how I don't feel infertile but then I think my husband and I have had unprotected sex for 4 whole years and we still only have furry 4 legged kids. I am going to the doctor on Thursday to see about getting my medicine adjusted. I have just been in this slump lately and I can't get out of it. I called in sick yesterday to have a day to myself to do absolutely nothing, but I feel every day that I just want to sit on the couch and enjoy life.

I talked with my husband last night about feeling like he doesn't want kids or he hates me. The hardest part about it is that financially we can't do it. We just have so much on our minds and plates it is just stressful for us. I have been watching Sister Wives and one of the wives is infertile. She said it best during her struggle with wanting another child that it would just be so much easier if it would just happen on it's own. Amen, sister!! Infertility causes so many stresses on so many levels, financially, in my opinion, being the second hardest part. It sucks because there is sometimes not much that can be done about either. How sad is it that I can't enjoy motherhood because of physical reasons and then to top that off financially it can't even be attained.

I think the biggest struggle is inside myself, I think getting my meds adjusted will help so much. My mind is just in a million places right now and I really hope that adjusting my meds will help me. Another sucky thing is that I have been struggling with my weight loss again. I was doing great, hit a few plateaus and sort of gave up, and then got a treadmill and fell in love with it and trying again.
Now all I have wanted to do lately is eat a horse, cry, and sleep. Sounds like pregnancy to me but I just got off my period and if I haven't struggled with infertility for 4 yrs I might think that is it. But nope the big "I" word takes the place of everything again. Then I wonder what good my metformin does when I read that some symptoms of PCOS are fatigue, weight gain, depression, and anxiety. Most of what I am feeling makes me wonder, could there be a different underlying issue or what is the problem? Hopefully the doctor can help me on more levels than just one!! Until next time!!

Another Day

Last post I talked about things that have been bothering me or on my mind!! This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me for some reason and I don't know why. I wonder if my medicine needs to be changed but am not sure. I read the AMAZINGLY good book, 50 shades of grey, I am telling you what if you need some help getting pregnant read this and your hormones will be raging. Us women know how hard it can be to get "going" or get started by our hubbys. This book did the trick for me, I bought it I think Tuesday and was done by Thursday evening but was a ball of sexual frustration and ready to go. If only I could get pregnant would this help. Although I think this hurt more than helped because it helped toy with my emotions which isn't uncommon for me. I tend to really get wrapped into books but I love to read them.

I have been sad because my husband was not embracing the wow my wife wants me and she wants me now scenario which hurt. I have been through this before with an ex and I guess I was relating it to that. We will be together for 5 years the end of July so this was bothering me that I couldn't get him going. I was afraid, which I know already, our sex life is boring and so I assumed this would help spice it up some.

Then I was thinking about how crabby he has been lately and also how unsupportive he has really been when I get upset about my infertility issues. I wish he would just comfort/hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be ok. Unfortunately, we are on different scales in this department at the moment. I think that he is enjoying being kid-free and able to do what he wants to when he wants and all of that good stuff. I was at that stage but have moved back again to the wanting a baby stage. I think that he can just easily push his emotions to the side when it comes to this because he knows that it just might not happen. He now doesn't understand why I am not still at this stage. I said because I am a woman I am meant to have babies. Then I thought I really am, I have breasts for feeding, my period to allow for a pregnancy, I hold a uterus to carry that baby, so yeah my main purpose in this world as a woman is to give birth. While the man only has one tiny part in the play.

My mom was also being crabby towards me and was pissing me off by talking bad about everything that I talked about to her. This was not making my day any better, then she went on, for the millionth time about going to her chiropractor to have acupuncture done to conceive. I really don't know if this would work, hell Clomid is made to make my body do what it wants and it doesn't why should acupuncture. My friend, D, made a great point when we went to this seminar the end of last year, that maybe one of my tubes is blocked. That is the next step that my doctor was waiting to do, and really does make sense. My body responded very well to the Clomid but I didn't get pregnant, they didn't do more research to make sure that I even had eggs coming out or anything like that but makes for a very good reason behind my infertility.

Back to my hubby and the clomid discussion. We finally talked Saturday afternoon and the first convo was about not wanting to have sex with me, because once again I was unsuccessfully getting him going. He then came out and told me how the Clomid trial traumatized him, all I could think is great. That is not our last option just yet and the next possible option might be more expensive and I am not taking that route for his reasoning. He said it was traumatic because so many times we had to do it, he says 3 weeks straight every day, which in turn I reminded him was really only 5 times in a month every other day. I guess he doesn't like being put under pressure to perform. I even told him that it wasn't at a specific time just certain days. It hurt to hear that come out of his mouth, which I told him great how are we supposed to get to that next point if you are going to be closed minded and cry about it. He said that he will tell the doctor that we are not taking that medicine route again. Which hurts me and I don't know what to say or do about that. Any advice?

I even told him how there wasn't much that I could do about that, I tried to not make it so we have to do this now, or try to surprise him and make it fun but he asked when that period of the medicine would start. I said that I could just not tell him that I was taking the pill because that still wouldn't  help because he would not willingly give it up when needed and that would just piss me off. All he could say was what do you want me to do, I also basically threw my hands up and said I give up because that step may not be over with just yet. I just don't understand him lately with this all. He used to be better and now, I just don't know.

It just makes me think....Really you think that is the worst part of it, try being me, I have to be pricked to get information about what my condition could be, I have to have a stupid painful period every month, on top of them seeming purposeless since I can't conceive, then I have to remember to take this pill on days 5-9, then get you ready for sex 5 days, then I have to go and get pricked and have blood taken so that we can see if the meds worked. All that is the easy part the hardest part is trying to be patient to see if it worked or not, to see if I am going to finally be a mother, have to hear about and think about all those amazing feelings that I am missing out on, feeling the baby kick, hiccups, seeing the baby on the ultrasound, talk about every other person and their pregnancy greats, hear others complain, have false symptoms of pregnancy just because I want this so bad. Be maybe a day or so late and get super excited, even take a pregnancy test while trying to fight myself mentally to ignore what I am feeling, then get the negative or my period and have the disappointment and have to go through that all over again. Then to top that off, I had to start taking Metformin which is the most awful medicine to start because it gives you the worst diarhea, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Really would you like to rethink your thoughts on how traumatizing it was to jack off in a cup then take it back out to the office, which no one knew exactly what it was in the bag, and to have sex with your wife 5 days out of the month. So sorry for you.......not!!

I think that I am done venting for the day, and maybe feel a little bit better for now!! Until next time!!

It has been awhile!!

I haven't wrote anything in awhile and thought it was about time. I was going to write last Sunday but, one because that is when I usually have time, two I was just too busy but today is the day!! This week has been rough in the world of infertility. I love my tattoo that I got, I love to be able to look at it every day and be reminded of the struggle that I deal with. I know that this tattoo will be my reminder of this struggle if I ever do get my dream of being a mother along with the aches and pains that I may have and a reminder when I am leaning over the pot doing the one thing that I absolutely despise more than anything in this world. I do not like it when pregnant people complain but know that someday that might be me but I want to remember what I went through to get to this point.

I have been upset since last Saturday while babysitting my nieces. I found that it won't be as bad as I thought it might be and how much I want this. I would enjoy taking my kids and spending the weekend with them. My sister in law told my husband that we spoiled them and did things that they never do. It saddens me but I already knew that they were the type that just has too much going on. I never hear about them taking the girls here there a every where like the zoo or park or any of that although I don't know what they do all the time either. It just saddens me, we got pizza for dinner, took them to the park fed the ducks/geese, let them play on the equipment and pushed them while they swang, and then had ice cream with them before bed. That is not really spoiling them too much if you ask me. That sounds like a good/fun weekend with my babies.

On another note a "friend" of mine, D, was presented with an amazing offer, to adopt a baby from a family that is going to be born in 2 mths. I couldn't even imagine what is going through her and her husband's minds right now. Such a exciting/scary/crazy question to have to think about. It makes me wonder why my husband and I could never get so lucky for someone to ask us to do such an amazing task for them. I would of course jump on it and my husband would be the rational one and want to think it over. Which I agree is an amazing idea, I thought of so many questions for her think about or for her look into. I just want her to be well informed so that she can make the BEST decision for all parties involved and not get her heart broken again. She deserves this and to not have her heart broken either.

Another thing that I have been thinking about is just how many women out there that are faced with the challenge of infertility. You don't really think about it until your faced with the grief. I know I never did, just in the last year or so I have met many amazing women that I have been acquintances with and didn't even know it. Although it has given me others to talk to or share things with. I knew of 1 couple that struggled with this for a long time, one of my best friends brother's friends wife. I never thought about how sad it really was until now when I am faced with the same challenge in life. I went to school with a total of 4 other women that have been faced with this challenge. One was an acquintance, one I met while going to a seminar about infertility, who is happily been blessed with a pregnancy, one that I was closer with at one time, and another that was a best friend from 4th grade on, we spent many weekends together and lots of time, her husband is the unlucky one in this case but she does have a son from a previous relationship. I have also known at least 3 women that I can think of that were told they would never be able to have children. 1 has 3 boys, another has 2 boys and a girl, and the last one has 1 little boy. I know that all of us have been through our own struggles in some way or another with this terrible thing.

The last thing that I want to get off my chest today is what I have learned about the difference of infertilty and miscarriage versus just infertility. I always thought there was something worse about the fact that I couldn't get pregnant at all. I have been thinking about this, I would always think to myself at least you can get pregnant even if it is with help. I can't even get that far, I felt they had a little bit more hope than I did because at least they knew that their body worked and mine doesn't give me any hope at all. I have thought about this lately with some of the things that have come up and I think that I could take just plain infertility versus infertility/miscarriage. The reason for this is that I can only imagine how exciting it is to find out you are pregnant whether naturally or with assistance then to only be let down when that baby doesn't make it. No matter what stage that you are in with the pregnancy it is going to hurt. One reason that I just thought of is that it could hinder your chances of ever becoming pregnant again. Knowing that your body works in this sense but doesn't complete the package would suck on so many levels. Being infertile just leaves that to more questions and anxiety. Can I get pregnant again, if I do will I lose it again, what if I can't get pregnant or be able to carry the baby? I know that the "waiting" game sucks but being excited when you find out that your hard work or patience has finally paid off but then to be left with nothing in the end can only suck more than anything!!

Until next time....................

Reality!!

A lot has happened since my last post about babysitting my nieces this weekend. We had plans to take them to the zoo and I was getting more excited as the days grew closer. Last weekend my in laws came over and apparently told my husband that they would rather all of us go to the zoo because they don't think we can handle the girls by ourselves. This upset me and pissed me off. My husband of course got mad and just said whatever apparently we are not good enough nor capable of babysitting them either. I was full of mixed emotions on this, at this point I just wanted to throw my hands up and say forget it, we do not want to babysit then. I knew that a week before the occasion was not a good time to say find a new babysitter so K and I complained about it to ourselves and then got over it. I posted on my fb page inconspicuously that maybe you should let us try because we can handle it. We may not have our own children but it is not by our choice so let us have fun with the only little ones we get.

I don't know if they saw my post or thought about it some more or what but then we were given the chance to take them to the zoo sometime last week. Really?!?!?!? we already made other plans to show up later in the day and nor did I plan financially at this time. So that just made us even more mad but we just said oh well. Maybe we will get to take them to the zoo later. I was upset because I wanted to do something with them, I just didn't want to sit at the house, I wanted to have fun with them.

Friday night my SIL called to find out what time we were planning on coming over. She said the girls were excited and was making comments that indicated, to me, that the girls thought we were going to the zoo still. I asked my husband if he told his brother that because of their initial decision our plans changed and he did. I didn't want to upset/disappoint the girls because of this. He stated that he told him that since we were coming over late in the day obviously we weren't taking them to the zoo. Then I wanted to take them to the zoo but my husband was painting his friend's car so that was completely out of the picture at that point.

I get there on Saturday to get the low down of everything. The girls seemed to be excited and my littlest niece kept asking where my husband was. Then she just kept repeating it, seems they were excited for us to be there. I showed up by myself because the hubby was still in the middle of painting when it was time to leave. Which worked out because I had to be up at 5 am Sunday and didn't want to be out too late, this allowed me to drive home for bed while he finished watching them. The first "mistake" I made that showed I had little idea what I was doing was to put my niece's diaper on backwards!! How embarassing and just perfect when we have been fighting to say that we can handle them and we are infertile not invalids. Way to go and screw that idea up. I could only imagine what was going through their heads, what did we do to our children. At least I realized my mistake and didn't ask questions!! I don't even remember the last time that I changed a diaper, probably when she was under a year old so at least a year or so. Not to blame me completely, I have done this many times before just a little bit rusty!! So they finally left and it was just me and the girls, dun dun duuuuun. LOL Actually it was going fine. The littlest was playing with me, the oldest was watching TV, so I was on to a good start. I was thinking this isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I of course didn't want to just sit around all night with them bored out of my mind. We had fun though and it wasn't as boring or terrible watching a 6 and 2 1/2 yr old like I thought it might be.

My niece tested what she could get away with, I was told that if she picked up her sister she was to go to time out for 6 mins. Well I thought all would be good until I constantly had to tell her to be nice to her sister or stop making her mad. I thought, she is testing me to see what she can get away with because I kept saying do it again and you will be in time out but I never followed through. See I got this parenting thing down, I am not as dumb as I seem to be!! Ha ha!! So she got time out and of course she didn't like it but I didn't have to fight her to go to her room or anything. After that we played, she decided she was going to "fix" my hair. That was a blast, she kept putting hair clips in and then would pull them out when it didn't look good!! They were enjoying it though and that is all that mattered!!

The hubby finally got there and I thought we were gonna go out for dinner but he talked the girls into pizza and decided to stay in, we planned that afternoon to take them to the park to play and feed the ducks. So we all ate, got ready and headed out for some fun!! They really seemed to like feeding the ducks, my husband showed them how to feed them from their hand so that was fun too!!

It gave me the opportunity to see how amazing of a father he would be, and how much fun it would be to have our own. Here comes some sadness and hopes again for my own. I didn't cry but just enjoyed the time and thought about how much I would love to be able to do that someday with my own little ones. I got lots of pictures and sent some pics to their parents to show them they were having a good time. Although they never called once to check on them so I guess they didn't feel to unconfident in our adult skills. This also wasn't their first time going out on their own so I am sure leaving them with someone else isn't such a big deal as when it is the first time.

Next we went over to the play ground equipment, the littlest one was having a blast going down the slide, and she was not shy and talked/played with the other little kids around there too. The oldest one wanted to show us her skills on the monkey bars. Next we went over to the swings, let me tell you about some scared times. The oldest was swinging so high it was scary. This is where my husband and I are made for each other, he isn't scared of anything and of course I am the scared/motherly type that wants to protect, especially since this was our first time babysitting and they were already questioning our ability, I didn't want to bring back a hurt kid.

Got lots more pics then moved back over to the play ground equipment, we let them play as long as possible though it wasn't as long as I would have liked due to our late start to the evening. I like to think they had lots of fun. We stopped to get ice cream on our way home, the littlest one was pretty wore out at that time. We were playing the radio and singing at the top of our lungs. We definetely we no professional singers but we were having fun. We took the ice cream back home, and I didn't think about ice cream/sugar and waking up. The littlest one got somewhat of a second wind but unfortanetely it was almost bed time for them. I brushed their teeth and gave them their vitamins and off to bed we went.

I didn't think the littlest one was going to fall asleep, she didn't want to go to bed at first but I read her a book and she laid there. I told the oldest one, whom I thought was really going to struggle with going to sleep that she could read to me. I wanted to find out what my hubby was doing since I seemed to be the only one doing the tucking in. I found him asleep on the chair, poor guy was tuckered out after a long day!! I tried to get a picture because I thought it was funny he was out before the little ones!! We went in and let the oldest read her book, felt like the longest book ever, especially since they were supposed to be asleep by 10 and it was fast approaching 1030 since I had to get the little one to sleep read to her and then listen to the oldest read too.

It was cool to watch her read and to help her too. She is going into first grade in the fall and I have known her since she was 2 1/2 so it is neat to watch her learn/grow. We definetely don't get to see them or do things with them enough and the time is quickly fading away.

They were both tucked in and ready for bed and I headed home. All in all it was fun and brought the sadness of wanting to be a mother to the surface that much more. Got me thinking about how I wish we could try the next steps again but financially it is hard and of course it isn't going to happen on it's own. I think those feelings surfaced for my husband also. It was nice to be reminded of how well we work together as a couple and how great we will be as parents some day!!

Thank you D!!!!!!

I felt a blog was in need to thank my friend D for turning me onto blogging. She has turned me towards some great blogs about infertility that have really helped me to feel better. It is so nice to know that I really am not alone when I think about something that bothers me. I have found blogs that talk about things I thought only happened to me, through the trials of other woman's journeys or rants, my next tattoo (A teal ribbon on my wrist for PCOS awareness, and one for infertility awareness), that I am not the only one that has real fur babies, that my crazy (old) obsession with taking pregnancy tests was not really crazy, and that there is so many other ladies out there just like me in so many ways!! I had been down and having a harder time lately but these blogs that I have found have really helped me to feel better. I can read about someone else's journey and gain hope for myself!! I have even found info about how to get grants for help with infertility procedures as well as an amazing group that is already out there, RESOLVE, fighting for insurances to pay for more when it comes to infertility!! I am sooo sad that I didn't know about National Infertility Week but so glad to have D in my life to get me involved and to learn about all this stuff!! It has REALLY helped me cope and I just want to say Thank you a million times!! : )

The what ifs of infertility.........

There are so many of these when it comes to infertility. I have read as many websites, articles, or books about this subject when we started this journey. I now take prenatal vitamins, which isn't a bad thing, have tried "relaxing". I am more relaxed now about then when I first started. It is hard to relax and not think about anything to do with pregnancy when your doing the deed for that specific reason. I remember my OB/GYN did say that to me once but not in a way that they always tell everyone to not say to an infertile woman. She was just reminding us to relax through the process and try not to make it work when you forced to do "it" on certain days, it makes it hard for it to be romantic. Anyhoo back on track, she was using the scenario that teenagers always get pregnant because they are not worrying/thinking about getting preggo they are just living in the moment and that is why it always happens to them.

Yes I have been through all of those things that I thought would help me to get pregnant, without any results. I have been reading lately about PCOS and it says that pregnancy can be attainable through proper eating. My husband and I stopped smoking the first of the year, not on a resolution just because we couldn't afford it any more. Which has been nice, money and health/feeling wise. I started dieting January 18th as well as exercising. So that has been 4 mths and still nothing. It just sucks to try and try and wonder what if I do this and just nothing does anything for you. Makes me wonder if losing weight isn't going to help, although losing 20 lbs hasn't been bad either.

End of the day, end of the conversation!!