Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thank you D!!!!!!
I felt a blog was in need to thank my friend D for turning me onto blogging. She has turned me towards some great blogs about infertility that have really helped me to feel better. It is so nice to know that I really am not alone when I think about something that bothers me. I have found blogs that talk about things I thought only happened to me, through the trials of other woman's journeys or rants, my next tattoo (A teal ribbon on my wrist for PCOS awareness, and one for infertility awareness), that I am not the only one that has real fur babies, that my crazy (old) obsession with taking pregnancy tests was not really crazy, and that there is so many other ladies out there just like me in so many ways!! I had been down and having a harder time lately but these blogs that I have found have really helped me to feel better. I can read about someone else's journey and gain hope for myself!! I have even found info about how to get grants for help with infertility procedures as well as an amazing group that is already out there, RESOLVE, fighting for insurances to pay for more when it comes to infertility!! I am sooo sad that I didn't know about National Infertility Week but so glad to have D in my life to get me involved and to learn about all this stuff!! It has REALLY helped me cope and I just want to say Thank you a million times!! : )
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
The what ifs of infertility.........
There are so many of these when it comes to infertility. I have read as many websites, articles, or books about this subject when we started this journey. I now take prenatal vitamins, which isn't a bad thing, have tried "relaxing". I am more relaxed now about then when I first started. It is hard to relax and not think about anything to do with pregnancy when your doing the deed for that specific reason. I remember my OB/GYN did say that to me once but not in a way that they always tell everyone to not say to an infertile woman. She was just reminding us to relax through the process and try not to make it work when you forced to do "it" on certain days, it makes it hard for it to be romantic. Anyhoo back on track, she was using the scenario that teenagers always get pregnant because they are not worrying/thinking about getting preggo they are just living in the moment and that is why it always happens to them.
Yes I have been through all of those things that I thought would help me to get pregnant, without any results. I have been reading lately about PCOS and it says that pregnancy can be attainable through proper eating. My husband and I stopped smoking the first of the year, not on a resolution just because we couldn't afford it any more. Which has been nice, money and health/feeling wise. I started dieting January 18th as well as exercising. So that has been 4 mths and still nothing. It just sucks to try and try and wonder what if I do this and just nothing does anything for you. Makes me wonder if losing weight isn't going to help, although losing 20 lbs hasn't been bad either.
End of the day, end of the conversation!!
Yes I have been through all of those things that I thought would help me to get pregnant, without any results. I have been reading lately about PCOS and it says that pregnancy can be attainable through proper eating. My husband and I stopped smoking the first of the year, not on a resolution just because we couldn't afford it any more. Which has been nice, money and health/feeling wise. I started dieting January 18th as well as exercising. So that has been 4 mths and still nothing. It just sucks to try and try and wonder what if I do this and just nothing does anything for you. Makes me wonder if losing weight isn't going to help, although losing 20 lbs hasn't been bad either.
End of the day, end of the conversation!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Today is a two blog day!!
I was searching infertility today online since I had such a rough night last night and found this amazing website that has a lot of information that I found helpful and I know any infertile couple would totally understand!! Decided it was good enough for a second post today!!
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
“I always hated Mother’s Day. I tried to avoid everything about it. My mom and my siblings would send me Happy Mother’s Day messages for ‘Duke’s mom’ -- our dog. And my husband would buy me a small gift or give me a card with the same greetings. I appreciated the thoughts and always said thanks. But inside I would feel even more sad than I had before. A few years ago I broke down and I told my husband that his gesture was just making me feel worse. He said, ‘But you are Duke’s mom!’ I said, ‘But I’m not a real mom. I love him with all my heart, but he is only a dog!’ He got serious and said to me, "How can you say you are not a real mom?! That is an insult to him! You are his mom. You take care of him, feed him, walk him, love him, teach him tricks, take him everywhere. Without you he would not be the awesome dog that he is - everyone raves about how great he is! You create that, you made that happen. Don’t you ever let me hear you say again that you are not Duke’s mom!’ That was very powerful for me. It has made Mother’s Day much easier for me to deal with. And it is all due to Duke and his dad! -- Andrea
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
“I always hated Mother’s Day. I tried to avoid everything about it. My mom and my siblings would send me Happy Mother’s Day messages for ‘Duke’s mom’ -- our dog. And my husband would buy me a small gift or give me a card with the same greetings. I appreciated the thoughts and always said thanks. But inside I would feel even more sad than I had before. A few years ago I broke down and I told my husband that his gesture was just making me feel worse. He said, ‘But you are Duke’s mom!’ I said, ‘But I’m not a real mom. I love him with all my heart, but he is only a dog!’ He got serious and said to me, "How can you say you are not a real mom?! That is an insult to him! You are his mom. You take care of him, feed him, walk him, love him, teach him tricks, take him everywhere. Without you he would not be the awesome dog that he is - everyone raves about how great he is! You create that, you made that happen. Don’t you ever let me hear you say again that you are not Duke’s mom!’ That was very powerful for me. It has made Mother’s Day much easier for me to deal with. And it is all due to Duke and his dad! -- Andrea
Mother's Day..........
Those two words do not belong in this world, Mother's Day and Infertility. Mother's Day + Infertility= Sadness; heartache; grief and many other words. People don't realize what that can do to someone or the affects of their actions. I had previously decided that I didn't know if I was going to participate in my in-laws activities because I already knew exactly what was going to happen. There were a few things that I didn't know when I decided to go. We had to go to them about what the plans were for Mother's Day with my mother-in-law this week. They had planned on taking her to breakfast this morning, without making sure that our plans would be ok with this. I reminded my father-in-law that I work on Sundays and that wouldn't work for me. We then planned to cook dinner for her at our house Saturday night because no one ever called us. Come Friday, I believe, we were invited over for dinner so I didn't even know if my brother/sister-in-law would be there because we were told they would have to check their schedules and working plans first. By the time it actually came I didn't even think about it, I was excited for a cooked meal and to get out of the house I guess. I had a yard sale this weekend and was stuck at home in the basement with little interaction. I didn't even have time to think about my feelings with the whole situation, and had put aside my thoughts from earlier.
When we got there everything was fine as usual, my brother in law wanted to take my husband's mother to Lowes to pick out flowers for Mother's day. That was going to be my gift as well, so I wanted to go, plus I LOVE flowers so I couldn't pass up the chance to go. We bought me some flowers for my new garden and she got some as well. Still everything going normally, we got a late start to the dinner because my husband had a project to complete at home first. By the time we got back from Lowes it was time to eat because it was getting late and I had to be up for work at 5 am. Everything was still going well, ate dinner, dessert, met my other brother-in-laws new girlfriend, my mother-in-law was informed on the way to Lowes that we would be watching the girls the first weekend in June, and since we had to leave I started the festivities with handing her the card we got her and Keith announced that her gift was going to be late because it got lost in the mail. And here it comes.........the gift for my sister-in-law that my nieces made her, they each made her a bird house.
I was ready to leave at that point because of course it was made into a huge deal for the kids but was bothering me just like I knew that it would. I got up and was standing ready to go by the door because of that and also because it was approaching 9 and we had to get home so I could sleep. The tears started in my eyes before I even left the driveway but I didn't let them come out scared of what my husband would let run out of his mouth. Pretty sad that I have to keep my feelings inside, I just don't think that he fully understands because we have gone years without it bothering us.
We were almost home and I started the conversation the best that I could, I asked if my "kids" could make me a bird house and he could use their tails as paint brushes. Yeah right I already know the kids wouldn't go for that!! Wishful thinking though.....right?
I did my usual, fed the kids and went to bed. There it started, I got to thinking about how nice it was and how my feelings weren't considered and how much it just sucked. That might not ever be me and I yearn for it. I think last year when she had my niece make her mom a flower bouquet in a pail thingy she made me one also. Even though I didn't like it, it is the thought that counted and I thought it was pretty cool and helped me to feel a little bit better. I know that it is not others problem to know or keep that in mind, especially when you put such a huge front that it doesn't bother you. My mother-in-laws life revolves around those kids anyways and she doesn't see our kids the same way that we do, especially me, so she isn't going to think about that. I tried to include her in as much as we can when it comes to the kids and them being her grandkids but it just isn't the same. I am glad that my mother feels the same way as me and understands a little bit more!!
Anyways back to where I started it was bothering me and I don't even remember how my husband got involved in the conversation again as I was laying in bed. Keith let my two babies in the room with me because they wanted to be in there with me and I guess I asked him about how that was nice. It just started from there, he got upset at me, because he doesn't understand or think about it since it hadn't bothered me in so long why it now suddenly does. He made some comments that upset me even more and stormed off because I guess he didn't know what to do or say. I just continued to lay there and bawl my eyes out. He finally came back and I told him because he was being a jerk that I didn't want to talk to him but of course being my husband he knows how to get me to talk. After ignoring him long enough and him continually asking me what I eventually caved in and hash it out with him.
It went from being mean to talking with me and trying to help me to feel better although I still wish that he at least held me and let me cry, sometimes I wonder where that part of him went after we got married though I have seen it some lately. We have just had a lot going on. He says that he wished I would have told him or he would have been fine with me staying home by myself if it was going to bother me. Although he wouldn't be there by my side to comfort me I understand that he can't not go himself. It is not like we can just come out and say these things to them because they just don't get it. They never will and I will always struggle with this.
He said that I should have gone in the other room if I didn't want to be there, which I didn't think about, although I did get up and walk away. He said that I could have stayed home and he would have understood although I wasn't sure what was going to happen anyways. I just wish that was easier like before to handle. Now he says that he doesn't want to babysit my nieces because he is afraid that after we get home from the zoo and have had fun with them that I am going to regret having taken them or get upset about it afterwards. Although I do not think that will be the case, I would love to spend time with them and do fun things like that but we pretty much get left out in the cold when it comes to his family in everything so we don't ever bother.
I can't wait until they get older, maybe I will ask that they come stay the night or something although I don't think that will ever happen. Kids love me, I don't always understand why but something about me they love. I get sad thinking about it because my little cousin used to come over a lot, we would have little slumber parties, watch movies, eat junk for dinner, I had taken her to the mall a few times, and now she is 16 and I am sure getting too OLD for those fun outings with me. I now look back and wish that I had done these things with her more but at the time my priorities were else where. She loves my french toast and that is all that she would talk about, my little brother was always the same.
He has lived an hour away for a long time so it wasn't always the same with him, plus he was my brother and I am not used to boys but he loved it all the same plus my french toast!! Apparently that is the talk of everything when they come over, maybe someday I will get to do that with my nieces and we will have fun!! That is why I want to take them to the zoo and have some fun with them, I know that if we go home it is just going to be me doing other things and not knowing what to do with them. I know that they will enjoy the zoo and have a blast and that makes me happy.
It just sucks to have to go through and I feel as though I do it alone. My husband doesn't understand, although I tried to explain it to him last night. It just hurts that is my soul purpose in life, is to be a mother and I can't do it, not even on my own. I want to try out this new doctor but we don't have the money and my husband doesn't want to do it until our money situation is a little bit better, although hopefully it will be soon so we might get there. I just wish it would happen already.....................surprise two pink lines, no more period, and not having to wonder or wait. Why can't it be so easy for me?
When we got there everything was fine as usual, my brother in law wanted to take my husband's mother to Lowes to pick out flowers for Mother's day. That was going to be my gift as well, so I wanted to go, plus I LOVE flowers so I couldn't pass up the chance to go. We bought me some flowers for my new garden and she got some as well. Still everything going normally, we got a late start to the dinner because my husband had a project to complete at home first. By the time we got back from Lowes it was time to eat because it was getting late and I had to be up for work at 5 am. Everything was still going well, ate dinner, dessert, met my other brother-in-laws new girlfriend, my mother-in-law was informed on the way to Lowes that we would be watching the girls the first weekend in June, and since we had to leave I started the festivities with handing her the card we got her and Keith announced that her gift was going to be late because it got lost in the mail. And here it comes.........the gift for my sister-in-law that my nieces made her, they each made her a bird house.
I was ready to leave at that point because of course it was made into a huge deal for the kids but was bothering me just like I knew that it would. I got up and was standing ready to go by the door because of that and also because it was approaching 9 and we had to get home so I could sleep. The tears started in my eyes before I even left the driveway but I didn't let them come out scared of what my husband would let run out of his mouth. Pretty sad that I have to keep my feelings inside, I just don't think that he fully understands because we have gone years without it bothering us.
We were almost home and I started the conversation the best that I could, I asked if my "kids" could make me a bird house and he could use their tails as paint brushes. Yeah right I already know the kids wouldn't go for that!! Wishful thinking though.....right?
I did my usual, fed the kids and went to bed. There it started, I got to thinking about how nice it was and how my feelings weren't considered and how much it just sucked. That might not ever be me and I yearn for it. I think last year when she had my niece make her mom a flower bouquet in a pail thingy she made me one also. Even though I didn't like it, it is the thought that counted and I thought it was pretty cool and helped me to feel a little bit better. I know that it is not others problem to know or keep that in mind, especially when you put such a huge front that it doesn't bother you. My mother-in-laws life revolves around those kids anyways and she doesn't see our kids the same way that we do, especially me, so she isn't going to think about that. I tried to include her in as much as we can when it comes to the kids and them being her grandkids but it just isn't the same. I am glad that my mother feels the same way as me and understands a little bit more!!
Anyways back to where I started it was bothering me and I don't even remember how my husband got involved in the conversation again as I was laying in bed. Keith let my two babies in the room with me because they wanted to be in there with me and I guess I asked him about how that was nice. It just started from there, he got upset at me, because he doesn't understand or think about it since it hadn't bothered me in so long why it now suddenly does. He made some comments that upset me even more and stormed off because I guess he didn't know what to do or say. I just continued to lay there and bawl my eyes out. He finally came back and I told him because he was being a jerk that I didn't want to talk to him but of course being my husband he knows how to get me to talk. After ignoring him long enough and him continually asking me what I eventually caved in and hash it out with him.
It went from being mean to talking with me and trying to help me to feel better although I still wish that he at least held me and let me cry, sometimes I wonder where that part of him went after we got married though I have seen it some lately. We have just had a lot going on. He says that he wished I would have told him or he would have been fine with me staying home by myself if it was going to bother me. Although he wouldn't be there by my side to comfort me I understand that he can't not go himself. It is not like we can just come out and say these things to them because they just don't get it. They never will and I will always struggle with this.
He said that I should have gone in the other room if I didn't want to be there, which I didn't think about, although I did get up and walk away. He said that I could have stayed home and he would have understood although I wasn't sure what was going to happen anyways. I just wish that was easier like before to handle. Now he says that he doesn't want to babysit my nieces because he is afraid that after we get home from the zoo and have had fun with them that I am going to regret having taken them or get upset about it afterwards. Although I do not think that will be the case, I would love to spend time with them and do fun things like that but we pretty much get left out in the cold when it comes to his family in everything so we don't ever bother.
I can't wait until they get older, maybe I will ask that they come stay the night or something although I don't think that will ever happen. Kids love me, I don't always understand why but something about me they love. I get sad thinking about it because my little cousin used to come over a lot, we would have little slumber parties, watch movies, eat junk for dinner, I had taken her to the mall a few times, and now she is 16 and I am sure getting too OLD for those fun outings with me. I now look back and wish that I had done these things with her more but at the time my priorities were else where. She loves my french toast and that is all that she would talk about, my little brother was always the same.
He has lived an hour away for a long time so it wasn't always the same with him, plus he was my brother and I am not used to boys but he loved it all the same plus my french toast!! Apparently that is the talk of everything when they come over, maybe someday I will get to do that with my nieces and we will have fun!! That is why I want to take them to the zoo and have some fun with them, I know that if we go home it is just going to be me doing other things and not knowing what to do with them. I know that they will enjoy the zoo and have a blast and that makes me happy.
It just sucks to have to go through and I feel as though I do it alone. My husband doesn't understand, although I tried to explain it to him last night. It just hurts that is my soul purpose in life, is to be a mother and I can't do it, not even on my own. I want to try out this new doctor but we don't have the money and my husband doesn't want to do it until our money situation is a little bit better, although hopefully it will be soon so we might get there. I just wish it would happen already.....................surprise two pink lines, no more period, and not having to wonder or wait. Why can't it be so easy for me?
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
To have a kid or not, that is the question!!
So today my discussion is going to be about the ups, downs and in betweens of our journey. I am so glad that my husband and I can be happy and coexist without having a baby in our lives. There are couples that actually get divorced after struggling with this thing called infertility. Not us......because we love each other more than that and we make it a thing for both of us not just one or the other. I don't have to console my husband but he does me more than not, most of the time I am ok, but I have my moments. I am glad that when people ask or I talk about it I say "we" can't have kids. I don't talk about myself as a one sided story because I can't have a baby by myself it takes us both. And we are in for the journey for the long run!!
Another thing that I want to talk about is holidays, now they used to not bother me. This year I didn't want to participate in our nieces Easter egg hunt. This year I have been debating wanting to spend mother's day with my in-law at the same time as my sister and brother in law. My mother-in-law usually makes a craft with the kids and it hurts to have to see that. I will have to see when it gets closer to that time, although I will probably go anyways. I love that my husband and I buy each other gifts but I think it is more of an excuse to get something as opposed to taking it seriously, well I do at least. But I do deserve something, I still have to baby, show affection, exercise, play, feed, take to get shots, clean up after, they wake you up in the middle of the night to go potty, I have to watch them closely, care/love/discipline (although I suck at the last part), take care of them when they are sick. Now how does all that not constitute being a mother, sounds the same as the two legged less furry kind, to me!!
I also went on this, I am not having kids, fun binge, which I deserve because if I do get lucky enough to have a baby I might be too old when they are able to take care of themselves to enjoy anything as an adult so......I went crazy and bought a Camaro. Not a bad idea, something I have always wanted and I vowed to not get rid of it even if I did have a baby. Well that didn't last too long, when I decided that it was time to be upset/think about it I decided it was not practical for that reason. I couldn't even get the empty puppy kennel back there when I brought home Bailey, good thing my mom was there to hold him. There were more reasons then that to get rid of the great Camaro but this was just another notch on the reason list to not keep it side.
The next thing is I love that my husband and I can agree on this more than anything. I am glad that I only have to feel the pain of not being able to have a baby sometimes. I have met others that haven't taken it so well, but we all have our times. There is the grieving stage, the denial, and I am sure the o well shit happens stage to go through. Don't get me wrong I love kids but it is nice to have our peace and quiet. Onlying having to worry about the pups and not another human being that needs way more attention. I remember my husband and I were at a party for our sister-in-law and we looked at each other and I said it is nice to not have to worry about the crazy kids that are running around and not being good. We can just enjoy ourselves or relax. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I am not "cut" to be a mother one day. I don't like going somewhere and having to hear a kid screaming at the top of their lungs the whole way through the grocery store. One day I know this will be me and I will enjoy every minute of the good and not think about the bad. I hope that my kids have more discipline than the kids now days so I don't have to deal with that though.
I know that one day this will all change and I know that it will if it is meant to be......until next time.
Another thing that I want to talk about is holidays, now they used to not bother me. This year I didn't want to participate in our nieces Easter egg hunt. This year I have been debating wanting to spend mother's day with my in-law at the same time as my sister and brother in law. My mother-in-law usually makes a craft with the kids and it hurts to have to see that. I will have to see when it gets closer to that time, although I will probably go anyways. I love that my husband and I buy each other gifts but I think it is more of an excuse to get something as opposed to taking it seriously, well I do at least. But I do deserve something, I still have to baby, show affection, exercise, play, feed, take to get shots, clean up after, they wake you up in the middle of the night to go potty, I have to watch them closely, care/love/discipline (although I suck at the last part), take care of them when they are sick. Now how does all that not constitute being a mother, sounds the same as the two legged less furry kind, to me!!
I also went on this, I am not having kids, fun binge, which I deserve because if I do get lucky enough to have a baby I might be too old when they are able to take care of themselves to enjoy anything as an adult so......I went crazy and bought a Camaro. Not a bad idea, something I have always wanted and I vowed to not get rid of it even if I did have a baby. Well that didn't last too long, when I decided that it was time to be upset/think about it I decided it was not practical for that reason. I couldn't even get the empty puppy kennel back there when I brought home Bailey, good thing my mom was there to hold him. There were more reasons then that to get rid of the great Camaro but this was just another notch on the reason list to not keep it side.
The next thing is I love that my husband and I can agree on this more than anything. I am glad that I only have to feel the pain of not being able to have a baby sometimes. I have met others that haven't taken it so well, but we all have our times. There is the grieving stage, the denial, and I am sure the o well shit happens stage to go through. Don't get me wrong I love kids but it is nice to have our peace and quiet. Onlying having to worry about the pups and not another human being that needs way more attention. I remember my husband and I were at a party for our sister-in-law and we looked at each other and I said it is nice to not have to worry about the crazy kids that are running around and not being good. We can just enjoy ourselves or relax. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I am not "cut" to be a mother one day. I don't like going somewhere and having to hear a kid screaming at the top of their lungs the whole way through the grocery store. One day I know this will be me and I will enjoy every minute of the good and not think about the bad. I hope that my kids have more discipline than the kids now days so I don't have to deal with that though.
I know that one day this will all change and I know that it will if it is meant to be......until next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)