I haven't wrote anything in awhile and thought it was about time. I was going to write last Sunday but, one because that is when I usually have time, two I was just too busy but today is the day!! This week has been rough in the world of infertility. I love my tattoo that I got, I love to be able to look at it every day and be reminded of the struggle that I deal with. I know that this tattoo will be my reminder of this struggle if I ever do get my dream of being a mother along with the aches and pains that I may have and a reminder when I am leaning over the pot doing the one thing that I absolutely despise more than anything in this world. I do not like it when pregnant people complain but know that someday that might be me but I want to remember what I went through to get to this point.
I have been upset since last Saturday while babysitting my nieces. I found that it won't be as bad as I thought it might be and how much I want this. I would enjoy taking my kids and spending the weekend with them. My sister in law told my husband that we spoiled them and did things that they never do. It saddens me but I already knew that they were the type that just has too much going on. I never hear about them taking the girls here there a every where like the zoo or park or any of that although I don't know what they do all the time either. It just saddens me, we got pizza for dinner, took them to the park fed the ducks/geese, let them play on the equipment and pushed them while they swang, and then had ice cream with them before bed. That is not really spoiling them too much if you ask me. That sounds like a good/fun weekend with my babies.
On another note a "friend" of mine, D, was presented with an amazing offer, to adopt a baby from a family that is going to be born in 2 mths. I couldn't even imagine what is going through her and her husband's minds right now. Such a exciting/scary/crazy question to have to think about. It makes me wonder why my husband and I could never get so lucky for someone to ask us to do such an amazing task for them. I would of course jump on it and my husband would be the rational one and want to think it over. Which I agree is an amazing idea, I thought of so many questions for her think about or for her look into. I just want her to be well informed so that she can make the BEST decision for all parties involved and not get her heart broken again. She deserves this and to not have her heart broken either.
Another thing that I have been thinking about is just how many women out there that are faced with the challenge of infertility. You don't really think about it until your faced with the grief. I know I never did, just in the last year or so I have met many amazing women that I have been acquintances with and didn't even know it. Although it has given me others to talk to or share things with. I knew of 1 couple that struggled with this for a long time, one of my best friends brother's friends wife. I never thought about how sad it really was until now when I am faced with the same challenge in life. I went to school with a total of 4 other women that have been faced with this challenge. One was an acquintance, one I met while going to a seminar about infertility, who is happily been blessed with a pregnancy, one that I was closer with at one time, and another that was a best friend from 4th grade on, we spent many weekends together and lots of time, her husband is the unlucky one in this case but she does have a son from a previous relationship. I have also known at least 3 women that I can think of that were told they would never be able to have children. 1 has 3 boys, another has 2 boys and a girl, and the last one has 1 little boy. I know that all of us have been through our own struggles in some way or another with this terrible thing.
The last thing that I want to get off my chest today is what I have learned about the difference of infertilty and miscarriage versus just infertility. I always thought there was something worse about the fact that I couldn't get pregnant at all. I have been thinking about this, I would always think to myself at least you can get pregnant even if it is with help. I can't even get that far, I felt they had a little bit more hope than I did because at least they knew that their body worked and mine doesn't give me any hope at all. I have thought about this lately with some of the things that have come up and I think that I could take just plain infertility versus infertility/miscarriage. The reason for this is that I can only imagine how exciting it is to find out you are pregnant whether naturally or with assistance then to only be let down when that baby doesn't make it. No matter what stage that you are in with the pregnancy it is going to hurt. One reason that I just thought of is that it could hinder your chances of ever becoming pregnant again. Knowing that your body works in this sense but doesn't complete the package would suck on so many levels. Being infertile just leaves that to more questions and anxiety. Can I get pregnant again, if I do will I lose it again, what if I can't get pregnant or be able to carry the baby? I know that the "waiting" game sucks but being excited when you find out that your hard work or patience has finally paid off but then to be left with nothing in the end can only suck more than anything!!
Until next time....................
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