I feel bad that it has been a month since my last post. I get irritated with having to wait for the verification text so I just haven't gotten on much. Not much in my neck of the woods, fighting with my emotions. Wanting a baby, not wanting a baby, other stresses that life swings our way, and more wondering.
Father's day came and went, not much emotion for me. I figured that my hubby wouldn't get upset since he is in the "it is ok" mode right now. I wanted to make sure that he didn't end up feeling the same way that I did on Mother's day even when we went to his parents, where his mom helped our nieces make t-shirts for his brother. Hate it, hate it, hate it!! I decided to make him a great, from the heart, gift instead of buying him something that I didn't have the money for. I took a large frame that I was trying to sell and found all the pics that I have of him and our "kids" and added them to the frame on some colored paper. I also added some scrapbooking daddy and puppy stickers and did each pup's footprint. Let me tell you that was a chore itself!! I was going to give it to him at his parent's house so they could be like, oh that is right they can't have babies. And they just MIGHT understand for once and think twice about things they do around us. Anyways I was getting ready to bring the gifts to the car and he asked about it. I kept terribly trying to lie about it because I didn't want to give away my secret. He told me that he liked our gifts to be about us and not anyone else so I gave it to him. I don't remember that he said much about it but I thint he really liked it.
That has pretty much been it for baby talk. My feelings come and go, sometimes I get upset and sometimes I don't. I have been stressed and had to change my depression/anxiety medicine but was having a discussion with my hubby this weekend about how hard our life is and how much it sucks. We talked about how it was so nice to not have kids and the things that sad infertiles do not talk about. I know that if/when it happens I will regret ever saying those things and that I will change my mind. I guess maybe it is my defense since I feel helpless in this situation and am trying to enjoy/make the best of it.
These last few weeks have sucked, I haven't been super upset (meaning crying) until today. A friend of mine lost her baby suddenly at 37 weeks. I have been thinking about her a lot and what she has had to go through these last few weeks. Imagining some of the steps that she has gone through and imagining what it would be like. It has hit me hard, in a way, I got a card for my dept at work to sign, because she worked there before me and got me hired. Another AMAZING friend of mine started a fundraiser to help pay for the funeral costs which has gone amazingly well. I donated $12 which isn't much but all I could afford and I know that every bit counts and will mean so much to them even if it is just a little. I even started collecting donations from our department as well, that hasn't gone over as well as I thought it would but feel good to be doing what I can, especially to help ease some of their pain.
I also found out this week that one of my cousins had a baby. Not a complete shock but I forgot about it. Basically the quick rundown of it, she was hooked on heroin, overdosed, suddenly came up pregnant. Seemed to, I hope at least straightener her out while she was pregnant, I went to her baby shower, came to the hospital while she was in labor and afterwards to meet the baby, while her idiotic boyfriend was there. Who I ended up hating more and more and found out how much of a douchebag he was. He brought food in the room while my cousin was in labor which everyone bitched at him about. Found out after the baby was born he and her older brother brought beer in through soda fountain cups, then apparently spilled it and they were trying to clean it up while trying to keep it unnoticed since it smelled so bad. Ok, so she was stupid, whatever, she seemed to want to pawn the baby off on anyone that she could, including me. My hubby and I babysat her once and then I couldn't do it the next time. She tried though, suddenly when the baby was 2 or 3 she bailed moving to New York with some guy saying that she was going to rehab. She hasn't been back once, left her daughter with her dad and I don't know if she talks with her or not. My other little cousin said that the baby knows who she is but still the worst thing a parent could ever do. I talked with my Aunt and hubby about adopting her, sad for her situation and knew she needed someone babymaking age instead of her grandparents to raise her but let it go. So she has two babies by two different men and one of them she doesn't even have custody of or hasn't seen in at least 2 if not 3 years now. Her daughter is 5.
She apparently was getting beat then couldn't afford to move back down here so she stayed there. I read on her facebook about her being pregnant. She doesn't get on much and didn't announce it herself, I read it on a comment on her page. Thought terrific, leave one and have another....stupid. Well I found out she was actually pregnant and had another little girl. Makes me sooooo sad, I can't have kids but this druggy deadbeat of a mother, has another baby. She is states away from her family, wonder who she is going to try and pawn this kid off on, or leave the baby with. Makes me sick, pisses me off, and makes me sad.
Then today I get on facebook read about my friend's sister having a miscarriage which she has struggled with herself and has to struggle with infertilty as well. That made me cry a little bit but the kicker was finding out my other little cousin, on my mom's side, just found out she is pregnant. Guess what? ANOTHER bad idea, she had a baby at 16, seems to be doing somewhat of a decent job but some things she would post on facebook was not mother material in my mind and had me wondering. She then posted pics of herself after her boyfriend that she is madly in "love" with tried to strangle her. She talked about going to the cops and that the doctor said he wasn't far from killing her. She then posted that she was going to stay with him. Really?!?!?!?!? I grew up with abuse in my family, will NEVER let it happen to me, and I am pretty sure that she grew up that way as well and she is going to make this choice. I had a few choice words to say on her facebook although I know it isn't going to change how she thinks but wanted her to know, while her friends said they are behind her decision. More stupidness in my mind then announces she is pregnant with his baby. So this is baby number two with a different man also. I am beginning to see a pattern
I have a stable, happy home and relationship with my husband and we can't catch a break with having a baby but all these worthless woman can. How is that fair or how does it work that way? Just makes me want to cry a lot.
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