So today my discussion is going to be about the ups, downs and in betweens of our journey. I am so glad that my husband and I can be happy and coexist without having a baby in our lives. There are couples that actually get divorced after struggling with this thing called infertility. Not us......because we love each other more than that and we make it a thing for both of us not just one or the other. I don't have to console my husband but he does me more than not, most of the time I am ok, but I have my moments. I am glad that when people ask or I talk about it I say "we" can't have kids. I don't talk about myself as a one sided story because I can't have a baby by myself it takes us both. And we are in for the journey for the long run!!
Another thing that I want to talk about is holidays, now they used to not bother me. This year I didn't want to participate in our nieces Easter egg hunt. This year I have been debating wanting to spend mother's day with my in-law at the same time as my sister and brother in law. My mother-in-law usually makes a craft with the kids and it hurts to have to see that. I will have to see when it gets closer to that time, although I will probably go anyways. I love that my husband and I buy each other gifts but I think it is more of an excuse to get something as opposed to taking it seriously, well I do at least. But I do deserve something, I still have to baby, show affection, exercise, play, feed, take to get shots, clean up after, they wake you up in the middle of the night to go potty, I have to watch them closely, care/love/discipline (although I suck at the last part), take care of them when they are sick. Now how does all that not constitute being a mother, sounds the same as the two legged less furry kind, to me!!
I also went on this, I am not having kids, fun binge, which I deserve because if I do get lucky enough to have a baby I might be too old when they are able to take care of themselves to enjoy anything as an adult so......I went crazy and bought a Camaro. Not a bad idea, something I have always wanted and I vowed to not get rid of it even if I did have a baby. Well that didn't last too long, when I decided that it was time to be upset/think about it I decided it was not practical for that reason. I couldn't even get the empty puppy kennel back there when I brought home Bailey, good thing my mom was there to hold him. There were more reasons then that to get rid of the great Camaro but this was just another notch on the reason list to not keep it side.
The next thing is I love that my husband and I can agree on this more than anything. I am glad that I only have to feel the pain of not being able to have a baby sometimes. I have met others that haven't taken it so well, but we all have our times. There is the grieving stage, the denial, and I am sure the o well shit happens stage to go through. Don't get me wrong I love kids but it is nice to have our peace and quiet. Onlying having to worry about the pups and not another human being that needs way more attention. I remember my husband and I were at a party for our sister-in-law and we looked at each other and I said it is nice to not have to worry about the crazy kids that are running around and not being good. We can just enjoy ourselves or relax. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I am not "cut" to be a mother one day. I don't like going somewhere and having to hear a kid screaming at the top of their lungs the whole way through the grocery store. One day I know this will be me and I will enjoy every minute of the good and not think about the bad. I hope that my kids have more discipline than the kids now days so I don't have to deal with that though.
I know that one day this will all change and I know that it will if it is meant to be......until next time.
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