Mother's Day..........

Those two words do not belong in this world, Mother's Day and Infertility. Mother's Day + Infertility= Sadness; heartache; grief and many other words. People don't realize what that can do to someone or the affects of their actions. I had previously decided that I didn't know if I was going to participate in my in-laws activities because I already knew exactly what was going to happen. There were a few things that I didn't know when I decided to go. We had to go to them about what the plans were for Mother's Day with my mother-in-law this week. They had planned on taking her to breakfast this morning, without making sure that our plans would be ok with this. I reminded my father-in-law that I work on Sundays and that wouldn't work for me. We then planned to cook dinner for her at our house Saturday night because no one ever called us. Come Friday, I believe, we were invited over for dinner so I didn't even know if my brother/sister-in-law would be there because we were told they would have to check their schedules and working plans first. By the time it actually came I didn't even think about it, I was excited for a cooked meal and to get out of the house I guess. I had a yard sale this weekend and was stuck at home in the basement with little interaction. I didn't even have time to think about my feelings with the whole situation, and had put aside my thoughts from earlier.

When we got there everything was fine as usual, my brother in law wanted to take my husband's mother to Lowes to pick out flowers for Mother's day. That was going to be my gift as well, so I wanted to go, plus I LOVE flowers so I couldn't pass up the chance to go. We bought me some flowers for my new garden and she got some as well. Still everything going normally, we got a late start to the dinner because my husband had a project to complete at home first. By the time we got back from Lowes it was time to eat because it was getting late and I had to be up for work at 5 am. Everything was still going well, ate dinner, dessert, met my other brother-in-laws new girlfriend, my mother-in-law was informed on the way to Lowes that we would be watching the girls the first weekend in June, and since we had to leave I started the festivities with handing her the card we got her and Keith announced that her gift was going to be late because it got lost in the mail. And here it comes.........the gift for my sister-in-law that my nieces made her, they each made her a bird house.

I was ready to leave at that point because of course it was made into a huge deal for the kids but was bothering me just like I knew that it would. I got up and was standing ready to go by the door because of that and also because it was approaching 9 and we had to get home so I could sleep. The tears started in my eyes before I even left the driveway but I didn't let them come out scared of what my husband would let run out of his mouth. Pretty sad that I have to keep my feelings inside, I just don't think that he fully understands because we have gone years without it bothering us.

We were almost home and I started the conversation the best that I could, I asked if my "kids" could make me a bird house and he could use their tails as paint brushes. Yeah right I already know the kids wouldn't go for that!! Wishful thinking though.....right?

I did my usual, fed the kids and went to bed. There it started, I got to thinking about how nice it was and how my feelings weren't considered and how much it just sucked. That might not ever be me and I yearn for it. I think last year when she had my niece make her mom a flower bouquet in a pail thingy she made me one also. Even though I didn't like it, it is the thought that counted and I thought it was pretty cool and helped me to feel a little bit better. I know that it is not others problem to know or keep that in mind, especially when you put such a huge front that it doesn't bother you. My mother-in-laws life revolves around those kids anyways and she doesn't see our kids the same way that we do, especially me, so she isn't going to think about that. I tried to include her in as much as we can when it comes to the kids and them being her grandkids but it just isn't the same. I am glad that my mother feels the same way as me and understands a little bit more!!

Anyways back to where I started it was bothering me and I don't even remember how my husband got involved in the conversation again as I was laying in bed. Keith let my two babies in the room with me because they wanted to be in there with me and I guess I asked him about how that was nice. It just started from there, he got upset at me, because he doesn't understand or think about it since it hadn't bothered me in so long why it now suddenly does. He made some comments that upset me even more and stormed off because I guess he didn't know what to do or say. I just continued to lay there and bawl my eyes out. He finally came back and I told him because he was being a jerk that I didn't want to talk to him but of course being my husband he knows how to get me to talk. After ignoring him long enough and him continually asking me what I eventually caved in and hash it out with him.

It went from being mean to talking with me and trying to help me to feel better although I still wish that he at least held me and let me cry, sometimes I wonder where that part of him went after we got married though I have seen it some lately. We have just had a lot going on. He says that he wished I would have told him or he would have been fine with me staying home by myself if it was going to bother me. Although he wouldn't be there by my side to comfort me I understand that he can't not go himself. It is not like we can just come out and say these things to them because they just don't get it. They never will and I will always struggle with this.

He said that I should have gone in the other room if I didn't want to be there, which I didn't think about, although I did get up and walk away. He said that I could have stayed home and he would have understood although I wasn't sure what was going to happen anyways. I just wish that was easier like before to handle. Now he says that he doesn't want to babysit my nieces because he is afraid that after we get home from the zoo and have had fun with them that I am going to regret having taken them or get upset about it afterwards. Although I do not think that will be the case, I would love to spend time with them and do fun things like that but we pretty much get left out in the cold when it comes to his family in everything so we don't ever bother.

I can't wait until they get older, maybe I will ask that they come stay the night or something although I don't think that will ever happen. Kids love me, I don't always understand why but something about me they love. I get sad thinking about it because my little cousin used to come over a lot, we would have little slumber parties, watch movies, eat junk for dinner, I had taken her to the mall a few times, and now she is 16 and I am sure getting too OLD for those fun outings with me. I now look back and wish that I had done these things with her more but at the time my priorities were else where. She loves my french toast and that is all that she would talk about, my little brother was always the same.

He has lived an hour away for a long time so it wasn't always the same with him, plus he was my brother and I am not used to boys but he loved it all the same plus my french toast!! Apparently that is the talk of everything when they come over, maybe someday I will get to do that with my nieces and we will have fun!! That is why I want to take them to the zoo and have some fun with them, I know that if we go home it is just going to be me doing other things and not knowing what to do with them. I know that they will enjoy the zoo and have a blast and that makes me happy.

It just sucks to have to go through and I feel as though I do it alone. My husband doesn't understand, although I tried to explain it to him last night. It just hurts that is my soul purpose in life, is to be a mother and I can't do it, not even on my own. I want to try out this new doctor but we don't have the money and my husband doesn't want to do it until our money situation is a little bit better, although hopefully it will be soon so we might get there. I just wish it would happen already.....................surprise two pink lines, no more period, and not having to wonder or wait. Why can't it be so easy for me?