Another Day

Last post I talked about things that have been bothering me or on my mind!! This week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me for some reason and I don't know why. I wonder if my medicine needs to be changed but am not sure. I read the AMAZINGLY good book, 50 shades of grey, I am telling you what if you need some help getting pregnant read this and your hormones will be raging. Us women know how hard it can be to get "going" or get started by our hubbys. This book did the trick for me, I bought it I think Tuesday and was done by Thursday evening but was a ball of sexual frustration and ready to go. If only I could get pregnant would this help. Although I think this hurt more than helped because it helped toy with my emotions which isn't uncommon for me. I tend to really get wrapped into books but I love to read them.

I have been sad because my husband was not embracing the wow my wife wants me and she wants me now scenario which hurt. I have been through this before with an ex and I guess I was relating it to that. We will be together for 5 years the end of July so this was bothering me that I couldn't get him going. I was afraid, which I know already, our sex life is boring and so I assumed this would help spice it up some.

Then I was thinking about how crabby he has been lately and also how unsupportive he has really been when I get upset about my infertility issues. I wish he would just comfort/hold me and let me cry and tell me it will be ok. Unfortunately, we are on different scales in this department at the moment. I think that he is enjoying being kid-free and able to do what he wants to when he wants and all of that good stuff. I was at that stage but have moved back again to the wanting a baby stage. I think that he can just easily push his emotions to the side when it comes to this because he knows that it just might not happen. He now doesn't understand why I am not still at this stage. I said because I am a woman I am meant to have babies. Then I thought I really am, I have breasts for feeding, my period to allow for a pregnancy, I hold a uterus to carry that baby, so yeah my main purpose in this world as a woman is to give birth. While the man only has one tiny part in the play.

My mom was also being crabby towards me and was pissing me off by talking bad about everything that I talked about to her. This was not making my day any better, then she went on, for the millionth time about going to her chiropractor to have acupuncture done to conceive. I really don't know if this would work, hell Clomid is made to make my body do what it wants and it doesn't why should acupuncture. My friend, D, made a great point when we went to this seminar the end of last year, that maybe one of my tubes is blocked. That is the next step that my doctor was waiting to do, and really does make sense. My body responded very well to the Clomid but I didn't get pregnant, they didn't do more research to make sure that I even had eggs coming out or anything like that but makes for a very good reason behind my infertility.

Back to my hubby and the clomid discussion. We finally talked Saturday afternoon and the first convo was about not wanting to have sex with me, because once again I was unsuccessfully getting him going. He then came out and told me how the Clomid trial traumatized him, all I could think is great. That is not our last option just yet and the next possible option might be more expensive and I am not taking that route for his reasoning. He said it was traumatic because so many times we had to do it, he says 3 weeks straight every day, which in turn I reminded him was really only 5 times in a month every other day. I guess he doesn't like being put under pressure to perform. I even told him that it wasn't at a specific time just certain days. It hurt to hear that come out of his mouth, which I told him great how are we supposed to get to that next point if you are going to be closed minded and cry about it. He said that he will tell the doctor that we are not taking that medicine route again. Which hurts me and I don't know what to say or do about that. Any advice?

I even told him how there wasn't much that I could do about that, I tried to not make it so we have to do this now, or try to surprise him and make it fun but he asked when that period of the medicine would start. I said that I could just not tell him that I was taking the pill because that still wouldn't  help because he would not willingly give it up when needed and that would just piss me off. All he could say was what do you want me to do, I also basically threw my hands up and said I give up because that step may not be over with just yet. I just don't understand him lately with this all. He used to be better and now, I just don't know.

It just makes me think....Really you think that is the worst part of it, try being me, I have to be pricked to get information about what my condition could be, I have to have a stupid painful period every month, on top of them seeming purposeless since I can't conceive, then I have to remember to take this pill on days 5-9, then get you ready for sex 5 days, then I have to go and get pricked and have blood taken so that we can see if the meds worked. All that is the easy part the hardest part is trying to be patient to see if it worked or not, to see if I am going to finally be a mother, have to hear about and think about all those amazing feelings that I am missing out on, feeling the baby kick, hiccups, seeing the baby on the ultrasound, talk about every other person and their pregnancy greats, hear others complain, have false symptoms of pregnancy just because I want this so bad. Be maybe a day or so late and get super excited, even take a pregnancy test while trying to fight myself mentally to ignore what I am feeling, then get the negative or my period and have the disappointment and have to go through that all over again. Then to top that off, I had to start taking Metformin which is the most awful medicine to start because it gives you the worst diarhea, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Really would you like to rethink your thoughts on how traumatizing it was to jack off in a cup then take it back out to the office, which no one knew exactly what it was in the bag, and to have sex with your wife 5 days out of the month. So sorry for you.......not!!

I think that I am done venting for the day, and maybe feel a little bit better for now!! Until next time!!